Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time

1 chapter / 1174 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Eli was kidnapped as a child and has been living with him her whole life without question. But when a boy, Oliver, finds her secret hideout, she realizes there is always hope. A way out. Freedom.

Comments(11)

Francis

over 5 years ago Justin Clearwater said:

Amazing

Mel fish

over 5 years ago Melanie Gross said:

This was very good! I didn't recognize what story this was based off of though... Great description and characters, they really brought the story to life. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest!

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over 5 years ago Amy Schmitt said:

I love the idea for this piece, and your tone makes this story sound like a fairytale! I loved it. Great job.

Mystery-man

over 5 years ago cfg said:

in para 1 doctor's should be doctors

in para 2 and 3 you write "he was gone with their treasure..." and then you use gone almost right after "she was long gone" which is kind of repetitive

well written nice dialogue although more could have given about Oliver

Reviews(3)

Tangled rock style gimped

over 5 years ago A.K.Adams said:

I like it :) The plot is really well thought of! The only suggestion I have is to expand it. It doesn't feel like Eli would be sooo open with a complete stranger after what she has been through. That part was unrealistic. The story should develop over time. Oliver should have to work to get Eli's story because Eli shouldn't trust anyone. She should be more on her toes, expecting to be punished. She should be more apologetic, willing to help for fear of punishment. That's what I got from the beginning. If you keep her the same I suggest that you add more fire to how she acts at the beginning, and all through out, or maybe more indifference because that is what I got as the story progressed. Eli as a character is at an unrealistic stage though right now. Figure out her personality down to the details and that might help it shine through consistently :)

Oliver's entrance though was well written :) It was super funny to imagine the thuds! hehe I didn't quit feel Eli's terror though... But that scene (and the beginning with Edan) were my favorite. :) Also Oliver's character needs a little more development. If he was really such in a hurry he wouldn't ask questions till later. He would have fallen, been a bit confused, then begging or demanding to be hid.

I think Edan was your most well written character by the way :) I like that I can guess at his point of view just by how he treats Eli. However I feel as if (with time) that his side of the story will come out more and maybe I will be wrong... :) hehe

Anyway that is just what I got from the story as a whole. The sum of it is; find out who you want each character to be as a person, then keep it consistent. Are they shy? Silly? Indifferent? Have a fiery personality? Are they overly trusting? Who are they?

When you write more you should let me know!!!! I REALLY want to see how you develop this story :)

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over 5 years ago Giselle Abreu said:

I enjoyed reading this. I also liked that you used Eli for the girl's name. It's unique for girls and it actually fits. One thing I would work on is info dumps. There were some times where instead of dropping hints throughout the story about how Eli had gotten there, you basically told the reader what happened. Dropping hints through out the story is what keeps the reader entranced, wanting to read more, wandering how Eli got there. Besides that I thought it was really good, keep going with it.