Sirenella

Sirenella

1 chapter / 1197 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

*amazing cover by Xavier Blackwit*For the Justine mag contest. GOAL OF 150 HEARTS! This is my modern retelling of The Little Mermaid, from the "prince's" point of view.

Comments(51)

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over 5 years ago stories said:

This is great! But, the ending was so sad!

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over 5 years ago Chance LeVelt said:

I think this was alright. I think it could be better though because there was more telling than showing. While it does make the story more wordy, it would make your story flow better (just replace sentences). Like what Ashley Norris said, just add some more imagery. Not too much but just a simple sentence or two about the setting or what anyone looks like. This story has a lot of potential and just needs a little polishing. Elsewhere, everything looks good!

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over 5 years ago Alyssa Alyx said:

Oh, the ending was so sad! But it was amazing writing skill...good luck with the contest!

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over 5 years ago Micah Cardwell said:

So cute and so sad! The whole time I was reading it, Ariel was singing "Part of your World" in my head, even though your story isn't much like the movie. X3 I loved it. You did a very good job. :)

Reviews(7)

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over 5 years ago Ashley Norris said:

This is a great story, but I would add more imagery. Writing images instead of words is something that takes a lot of practice, but it's worth it.

For example, you wrote "He was drowning, and the current was taking him away fast." In order to make this into an image you could write something like, "Water flooded into his lungs as the current nearly swept him away." This allow the readers to get a more detailed or emotional description of what the character is feeling, thus allowing your audience to connect and care about your characters.

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over 5 years ago Brian Bennett said:

This story seems to be lacking in... Something. I think it's the description and imagry mostly, but this story seemd to fall flat for me. The idea itself was pretty good, but your language didn't flow too well. A lot of it was too... Simple? I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. I know this isn't very helpful, but I'm stumped here. Sorry.

Keep writing. Afterthe contest is over, I would suggest revisiting it, perhaps expanding if you want, and revising some little things that could make this more substantial.