Green Eyes

Green Eyes

3 chapters / 885 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

When Evangelina's best friend goes missing (who's apparently her brother) she is destined to save him along with her newly found sister.

Comments(4)

Dsc_0143 (3)

about 5 years ago Rachel Elkin said:

Great plot and your story has a lot of potential. You do need a lot of editing though. There's tons of grammatical errors that mess up the flow of the story and making reading it kind of choppy. Try reading it out to yourself. -Rachel

Colortouch-1397778426524

about 5 years ago Krista said:

i like this! its dramatic and i would love more! Great job! =)

~Krista~

Image

about 5 years ago Erin Meadows said:

this is pretty good...i would edit it a little bit and make it a little bit more dramatic but I really like the idea you got going here.

186331_100001212612609_1454642572_n

about 5 years ago Sam Franz said:

I can only see the third chapter. I don't know if you meant it to be that way, but I'd definitely publish the other two. I can't really get a good read on anything from the few sentences that I read.

Reviews(2)

Eye2

about 5 years ago Cupcake34(Marcella Kay) said:

Here are my suggestions and comments!

Chapter One -I would write it like this--- “It’s not like I care; I’m not superstitious. I don’t even believe that blowing out a birthday candle will make my wishes come true.” (I feel like you had too many commas, and it was distracting) -“I will do anything. I have to get him back.” -Hi! I would suggest looking over comma placement for this chapter.

Chapter Two -I got a little confused with your dialog.. the “The tell me.” Should be indented. -Awww :( that’s sad… I didn’t expect him to be dead… --“I just didn’t want to know the truth,” I say. (put in a comma) --I kind of don’t like how you caps the words… I know it adds stress, but it seems like too much. Maybe think about uncapping it? -- I'm a little confused since you jump around a lot... Chapter Three -Good that they didn’t give up hope :) -“I could drive if I wanted to,” she says…. (add comma and make the ‘s’ lower case) -I feel like she didn’t take the death thing to heart…she hasn’t cried or anything… you know? Maybe add in some more emotion. -Overall, the story idea is there. I would suggest going back and adding in more description. Your chapters could be much longer (explain the main points more)! Your story has potential to build, so work hard to get it there :) Questions I thought about--- Where are their parents? Who are their parents? Why do they believe portals exist, who did they learn that from, and how do they know where one is? -Good start! Keep going!

Chloe

about 5 years ago Chloe The Strange One said:

Okay, so in all honesty, it's really hard to comprehend this. So much is going on at one time. You didn't stretch anything out that long. In the introduction I did not understand what "I will search until I’m an angel." Meant I was thinking it meant until she was dead. But it did not fit at all. It didn't fit the tone because Evangelina was talking to us like we were long lost friends, and then you added mystery into it. I think you should say something like, "I will search high and low in all the cracks and crevices until my best friend is found." Well, maybe not exactly that, but don't leave us with a mystery quote.

In contrast, you had really great ideas and metaphors. Your voice was okay in light of things. I have to take hats off to the idea, but I was really wishing we could have met the sister maybe at a later time. Maybe if Evangelina was fighting off someone, and she needed help or when she was in a cafe preparing a plan. I don't know, but that just seemed vague.

I like where you are going, just try to tell us more and add more suspense.