Tainted Mystery

Tainted Mystery

1 chapter / 557 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

You never know when you'll take your last breath. For the Summer Reading Contest. *Goal 200 hearts* (Do I hear 250? ;D)

  • 398
  • 8
  • 48
  • 163
  • 17
  • 198

Comments(252)

Photo 1

over 5 years ago Stephen Lister said:

I really liked this story! It was great and kept me guessing! Of course, I would love to see you perhaps write a continuation to this if the story would allow. Of course with her being bitten by a vampire I wonder if she's turned and that itself allowed her to survive the fall. It would be a thrilling full-length story, much as it is an enticing short read!

Very original and I love the way it is written, your use of language is phenomenal and chilling. You made using vampires exciting, and your lack of description of the vampire himself makes him all the more scary. I will certainly be taking some hints from this for my own writings to make them scarier! Well done.

Tangled rock style gimped

over 5 years ago A.K.Adams said:

Completely unexpected! When I first realized that it was about vampires I instantly rolled my eyes waiting for the typical ending. You surprised me though by keeping my attention and making me glad I had read it! I LOVE this delicious twist of a vampire story. So much in fact that I'm jealous I didn't think of it first! FANTASTIC JOB!!!

Pro

over 5 years ago The Newly Announced Writer said:

Wow! That was really good and I'm usually the one that likes stories about vampires but that was really good!! :) (._.)

Dog behind fence

over 5 years ago Mary Nichols said:

Congrats on being a finalist and good luck!

Reviews(63)

Avatar-thumb

about 2 years ago Dara Lee said:

This is sad and dark, but I love your writing style! I wish I knew more about the characters, but I'm not sure if that was purposeful or not... but otherwise, I absolutely adore it!

18574_313956762243_647707243_4556915_4604558_n

almost 5 years ago Yankee Charlie said:

Dear Tiffany,

This chapter is titled "Prologue." Are you implying that there are more installments to come?

Several things. First, you rush into the conflict way too quickly without firmly establishing what exactly is going on, who is involved, and where/when this action is taking place. There's barely any exposition about the family vacation, and I vaguely remember mention of a hotel, and suddenly there's a vampire who's killing everyone but for reason unknown (besides his origin and motivation). If you did not the the unnecessary statements in the first paragraph alluding to the awful turn the vacation took, I would myself be taken quite aback and this pace.

Fine, so he kills the family, but why does he not kill the protagonist? Why does he kill the family? Lots of questions that must be addressed in one way or another through your prose.

Then the girl kills herself, just like that. In the span of about 500 words, we have a family move into a hotel, get slaughtered, daughter gets turned into a vampire, then the original vampire leaves, she figures to kill herself, and succeeds in the last moment. Do you see where I am getting at? There's too much going on and too little unfolding of story.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the mystery element to the story, but it has to be reconsidered when it leaves readers like me utterly stupefied by the turns that the story makes.

Ideally, I'd tell you to forget about the word limit and just write something out that makes sense. Hold the universe that your story is set in firmly in your head, write it down if you need to, before you go and reread, revise, reread, revise, until you yourself can look at this story and say, yes, it is mysterious, yes, it is scary, and yes it makes sense and makes readers feel something other than bewilderment because the reader has gotten a chance to get closer to the protagonist and thus recoil when she recoils, feel pain when she does, etc.

Looking forward to revisions. Let me know. - YC