Tainted Mystery

Tainted Mystery

1 chapter / 557 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read

Description:

You never know when you'll take your last breath. For the Summer Reading Contest. *Goal 200 hearts* (Do I hear 250? ;D)

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Comments(252)

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over 5 years ago Hailey Perry said:

this was really great! I loved the suspense & the mystery. Good job!

Senior9

over 5 years ago Amanda Margaret said:

This was very nicely done !! Really enjoyed this. Best of luck in the contest. wanna swap and read my story Daddy for the Forsaken Contest? :)

Lillypulitzer

over 5 years ago C.A.S said:

Shivers! Nicely done. The only critique I would have is to rephrase some of your sentences.

Batman kitty 2

over 5 years ago Hadiyah Stephens said:

Wow! This story is chilling. Your first sentence is perfect; it draws the reader in immediately and doesn't let them go. Amazing descriptions. Good luck in the contest. =)

Reviews(63)

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about 2 years ago Dara Lee said:

This is sad and dark, but I love your writing style! I wish I knew more about the characters, but I'm not sure if that was purposeful or not... but otherwise, I absolutely adore it!

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almost 5 years ago Yankee Charlie said:

Dear Tiffany,

This chapter is titled "Prologue." Are you implying that there are more installments to come?

Several things. First, you rush into the conflict way too quickly without firmly establishing what exactly is going on, who is involved, and where/when this action is taking place. There's barely any exposition about the family vacation, and I vaguely remember mention of a hotel, and suddenly there's a vampire who's killing everyone but for reason unknown (besides his origin and motivation). If you did not the the unnecessary statements in the first paragraph alluding to the awful turn the vacation took, I would myself be taken quite aback and this pace.

Fine, so he kills the family, but why does he not kill the protagonist? Why does he kill the family? Lots of questions that must be addressed in one way or another through your prose.

Then the girl kills herself, just like that. In the span of about 500 words, we have a family move into a hotel, get slaughtered, daughter gets turned into a vampire, then the original vampire leaves, she figures to kill herself, and succeeds in the last moment. Do you see where I am getting at? There's too much going on and too little unfolding of story.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the mystery element to the story, but it has to be reconsidered when it leaves readers like me utterly stupefied by the turns that the story makes.

Ideally, I'd tell you to forget about the word limit and just write something out that makes sense. Hold the universe that your story is set in firmly in your head, write it down if you need to, before you go and reread, revise, reread, revise, until you yourself can look at this story and say, yes, it is mysterious, yes, it is scary, and yes it makes sense and makes readers feel something other than bewilderment because the reader has gotten a chance to get closer to the protagonist and thus recoil when she recoils, feel pain when she does, etc.

Looking forward to revisions. Let me know. - YC