Tainted Mystery

Tainted Mystery

1 chapter / 557 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read


You never know when you'll take your last breath. For the Summer Reading Contest. *Goal 200 hearts* (Do I hear 250? ;D)

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Winged wolf

over 5 years ago Estrella LeMar said:

Very well written.


over 5 years ago Adrienne Sara said:

*Swap* Oh. My. Gosh. Dang girl! That is intense! It is sad, heartbreaking, and surprisingly realistic. After the contest, you need to write more. Great job and good luck!

July 6 2012 002

over 5 years ago Sarah said:

Usually I think stories with vampires are generally silly, because really, why do we glorify the life of someone who is utterly damned for all eternity? But, I feel this is a pretty honest and accurate telling of how it would really be. I feel like this girl is genuinely explaining to me a horror, she doesn't spare me the details, which makes me believe it the most. Although I understand why some people say the whole story shouldn't be this sad, I think it gives it honesty. I can only imagine that nothing about a vampire's life would be happy. Really nice job in 500 words. Good luck.

Profile 1

over 5 years ago Music Lover ♫♪ said:

Great job!! This is a solid and detailed piece. Great job and good luck in the contest!! I hope you win!!



about 2 years ago Dara Lee said:

This is sad and dark, but I love your writing style! I wish I knew more about the characters, but I'm not sure if that was purposeful or not... but otherwise, I absolutely adore it!


almost 5 years ago Yankee Charlie said:

Dear Tiffany,

This chapter is titled "Prologue." Are you implying that there are more installments to come?

Several things. First, you rush into the conflict way too quickly without firmly establishing what exactly is going on, who is involved, and where/when this action is taking place. There's barely any exposition about the family vacation, and I vaguely remember mention of a hotel, and suddenly there's a vampire who's killing everyone but for reason unknown (besides his origin and motivation). If you did not the the unnecessary statements in the first paragraph alluding to the awful turn the vacation took, I would myself be taken quite aback and this pace.

Fine, so he kills the family, but why does he not kill the protagonist? Why does he kill the family? Lots of questions that must be addressed in one way or another through your prose.

Then the girl kills herself, just like that. In the span of about 500 words, we have a family move into a hotel, get slaughtered, daughter gets turned into a vampire, then the original vampire leaves, she figures to kill herself, and succeeds in the last moment. Do you see where I am getting at? There's too much going on and too little unfolding of story.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the mystery element to the story, but it has to be reconsidered when it leaves readers like me utterly stupefied by the turns that the story makes.

Ideally, I'd tell you to forget about the word limit and just write something out that makes sense. Hold the universe that your story is set in firmly in your head, write it down if you need to, before you go and reread, revise, reread, revise, until you yourself can look at this story and say, yes, it is mysterious, yes, it is scary, and yes it makes sense and makes readers feel something other than bewilderment because the reader has gotten a chance to get closer to the protagonist and thus recoil when she recoils, feel pain when she does, etc.

Looking forward to revisions. Let me know. - YC