First Day

First Day

1 chapter / 348 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read

Description:

Derrik is late for his first day of his summer job. When pulled over for going to fast the officer tells him not to speed and he won't be late.

Genres:

Writing, Short Story

Comments(43)

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about 5 years ago Julia Bradford said:

This is a nice short story. I liked the twist at the end.

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about 5 years ago Em Kam said:

Such a cute end :)

Bluewaterrippleswplonggoodbye_0

over 5 years ago Amy K said:

I agree with the previous comment that almost all the dialogue seemed fake but it like the happy ending!

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over 5 years ago Emi B said:

Hey, great story. My only comment is that some of the cop's dialogue seemed phony.

Reviews(7)

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over 5 years ago RicochetRay said:

This was a very interesting story with a plot twist I didn't expect. Reading the description, I thought the police officer was a time-altering wizard or something. However, when you were describing the policeman being "an older one, but resembled an old grampa" I didn't understand that. The but seems kinda awkward and I think resembled should be resembling. But besides that it was good. c:

Keno

over 5 years ago Kori Keno said:

Hey, don't forget that I'm here to help, not bash. I apologize if anything sounds rude, and if the apology doesn't work, come over to yell at me on my profile, or by e-mailing me.

Okay, so it’s a fine opening, it’s just not as intriguing as it could be.

‘He {went} from {zero} to {fifty-five} in twelve seconds.’

I’m pretty sure you type that out…

Your story is a lot of telling, not much description, and a little weak. Though I like it, I think you need to show us more, describe more. Some words are kind of weak and don’t show the power through them as well as others could.

‘…finally{ }{came} to the window{,} Derrik…’

It just sounded better…

You’re currently under the word limit, so adding some detail wouldn’t hurt.

‘”…sorry, sir{.} {I} didn’t want…’

‘”…but still{,} you didn’t…”’

‘{T}he manager…’

Cute. I liked it and I feel bad for Derrik! Nice job, though I’m still sticking with the whole need of description. It’s well done, but a little plain. Good luck!