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Approximately 5 minutes to read
Cover by-Overcomingdyslexic or Lexi. She is amazing! Check her out:D
Syd is involved with a "secret" love triangle.
Addie doesn't stand for that kind of stuff. As always, she has a solution.
almost 4 years ago Not Important said:
Wow, awesome plot and story. I enjoyed reading it, and awesome cover.
about 4 years ago Aviline said:
Whoa! Surprise ending there! I was thinking that Addie's boyfriend would be kissing Syd, but that seemed impossible enough! Congrats on being on the homepage. If you're reading this comment after your wonderful story has been on the homepage, the date is was put up was: April 23.
about 4 years ago Esmeralda Rose said:
Congrats on the homepage feature!
about 4 years ago Linda Dionne said:
Hah, I love the end, it was so unexpected!
almost 4 years ago Michelle said:
almost 5 years ago Kyle Derochie said:
Generally, this isn't my type of story, but I actually quite enjoyed these characters. They were believable and deep which is impressive for such a short story with actually very little to it. But the short length and lack of action didn't work against you because this is an effectively character driven piece. While it is almost clean of awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes (which made it even easier to actually enjoy reading it), it does have some mistakes and thus needs some proofreading. The sentence "I asked, impatience riding my voice" is an example of such awkward phrasing because to say that "impatience" is "riding" her voice is odd to say the least. In short, it would work better as "I asked impatiently." Also, bear in mind that when you use a question mark there is no need to say "asked," just say "said" since you have said it was a question (being asked) by using the question mark. The grammatical errors are small in number and size, such as "heating up the pavements" which should not be plural and "stereo-typical" which is actually one word "stereotypical." The point at which you describe the air in the house as "artificial air" lacks sense. If the air is artificial (i.e. fake air) then what, pray tell, is it really made of? I believe you meant to say something along the lines of "stale air." I definately liked how you concluded the piece and that was definately the story's strongest phrasing too. Overall, well done and good luck in the contest!