The Mis-Adventures Of Bored Teenagers

The Mis-Adventures Of Bored Teenagers

3 chapters / 5851 words

Approximately 29 minutes to read

Description:

My amazing cover was done by Sharon Lee!
Summary:
A story about a college drop out, Bree, with a severe case of writers block, who hasn't lived a day in her life. Her life is the essence of mundane until she meets an eccentric boy named Keelan whose spent so much time trying to defy the rules that he hardly notices himself. Together they form an unlikely friendship in which they create a list of things to do to live the human exspirence which leaves them questioning the existence of love and life, and there relationship between each other.
© Copyright
Im hopefully thinking of really expanding the novel into something much bigger then what I had originally intended. More to come!

Genres:

Adventure, Drama, Romance

Comments(43)

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almost 5 years ago Leighton Grey said:

(swap for "Sunday Falls") I found this really entertaining, and that says a lot for me considering I'm usually not into this sort of thing. You have the story down. I saw a couple of mistakes, but it's only your first draft. You can find those easy. Great work!

Lost memory story main character

almost 5 years ago Yowlot said:

Yes, there were lots of mistakes but they could all be easily fixed by one simple once over, and they couldn't possibly take away from your awesome story! I really am enjoying this so far, I love the playful banter between Bree and Keelan (did I spell his name right), you wrote both their characters in such an interestingly twisted manner. I love it! :)

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almost 5 years ago Alexis Cameron said:

This is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

Umbrellaz

almost 5 years ago Jenna L said:

This is awesome! Haha I love the introduction. It's well paced- some paragraphs seemed dragged-out, but it was still a very entertaining story.

Reviews(9)

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almost 5 years ago Ashley Sager said:

(For our swap) I really liked all the detail you put into this, I also like the idea of the story. Your description actually made me a little curious to what would happen. There isn't too much dialouge so thats good. All around I thought the story was great! ~Ashley

Blackandwhite

almost 5 years ago Maggie Martin said:

I’m seriously loving this! I see so much potential here, honestly I love the idea, so that’s why I’ve taken so much time to point out the little things that could make it even better. Please do not be offended by the length of the review. Seriously, I only write this much when I’m invested in a story and want to help in whatever way I can. Especially since you encouraged the criticism, so I ran with that!

Introduction

I like how it’s started—the girl feeling her failure, wanting to go home and never think about it again (at least for a while). She’s witty with him, but I feel like she explains herself in way too much detail. Find ways to make her snappier and her comebacks with Keelan will be amazing!

Onto the technicalities: The sentence starting with “I ripped pictures with large amounts…” was super long and hard to follow. “…keeping up a strong [viscod]…” Do you mean façade? Or visage? Sometimes it feels like the bigger words are too forced or used incorrectly. I know you said you didn’t want spelling/ grammar pointed out now but I would really go back and change how many big words you use. Not all of them, mind you, but the amount of them seems forced for your character. She can be witty and intelligent without a mental thesaurus ever sentence. ........................................................ “The faded yellow cab…” So many adjectives in one sentence! Dialogue should be its own paragraph “…feel like the bitterest of resolutions.” Nice! Lovely sentence. Love the cab driver dialogue. “I focused on my shoes’ gentle snaps…” This whole paragraph is ONE SENTENCE. Please break it down for me! I was lost in it. “She slowly peeled the pages of…” This paragraph has a lot of errors. Read this out loud to catch them! If she’s staying in the US she doesn’t need a passport… just an ID. ………......................................................... Yay! There is a “him”. :) Okay, I’m really digging the description in this chapter. You’re finding a better balance here of adjectives and big words. “I looked up from sipping a scorching sip…” Sipping a sip is repetitive. Also, this is a mega run-on sentence. Third time seeing the word “indeed” (I’m weird and notice things like this haha) Nice description about “him” :) I’ve been seeing a lot of commas where you are meaning periods in this section. “…Her blatantly truthful and poetic work is one of the best ever written.” This sentence doesn’t make sense. “Well if you even bother to learn her work…” This doesn’t make sense either… I feel like she’s doing the thesaurus thing again. Especially when you say her work is “potent”. It would be more fitting to say “powerful” or “profound”. Tense issues throughout the dialogue. “I’m sorry, I only have a certain limit for dealing with blatant arrogance.” I like the thought behind this, and it would be an awesome comeback if it were shorter like “I’m sorry, I have a low tolerance for blatant arrogance” It’s short, sweet, and packs more of the punch she would want. “I just rather not die early” HAHAHA love it.

Chapter 1

I related to this in a scary way. Like, this girl is me in character form. I think you do an amazing job of adding details that make people relate to her (especially the readers on Figment who are, generally, kids who want to be writers but to experience love and life outside of their writing as well).

The sexual conquest line. LOL. “…sat in a sickeningly sweet pink chair that swallowed his frail body…” This is the second time you’ve talked about chairs swallowing someone. “…you should Brie” Isn’t her name spelled Bree? I’m identifying with your character way too much now. Stop, it’s scaring me hahaha (no, but it’s really good that I’m feeling this connected to her) Keelan’s back! “Explain” “Exactly” spelled wrong multiple times “…continued elongated stare by Keegan” I feel like there are many times throughout the piece that can be condensed so easily. Honestly, it would be better for me to read “Keegan stared at me for a long time” even though it doesn’t have big words, it’s easier for readers to grasp without sounding (sorry for repeating it again) like a thesaurus.

If you have any questions/ want me to read more please let me know! I'd love to come back and read more when you post it! Happy writing :)