Chocolate Eyes

Chocolate Eyes

1 chapter / 195 words

Approximately less than a minute to read

Description:

I'd really like a chance in this contest so my goal is 82 hearts, please give me your support :D
If the whole world came in only white and gray, even the people, how would a person with deep, dark colored eye's be treated?
(PS the picture is not mine)

Comments(25)

Teddy bear love

over 5 years ago Deasia Hawkins said:

It was interesting and unique. The imagery was great! A few grammatical errors, but good overall.(:

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over 5 years ago Isabella Roberts said:

Thanks for swapping. Would you mind reading Forgotten Realm, now that I have read your story?

Dog behind fence

over 5 years ago Mary Nichols said:

Thanks for the swap! Could you read/heart "Attitude Adjustment" please?

Me 2.0

over 5 years ago Rebekah Walker said:

Wow- I like it! One thing doesn't make sense, though- if the entire world doesn't have color, how can they compare his eyes? Just wondering. :D Good luck!

Reviews(7)

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over 5 years ago Alyssa Hollingsworth said:

Very interesting idea! Like another commenter said, this reminded me a bit of "The Giver."

A few suggestions: Don't forget to proof! There are a few typos here that would have been an easy fix, including "judgeing."

Watch your punctuation. "Hey, Cocoa!" and "pale cold eyes" are fairly obvious. There are several other parts where you've used an apostrophe where you needed a plural.

If punctuation is a challenge for you, I'd highly recommend "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"--it's a fantastic and hilarious book that changed the way I understand and appreciate punctuation.

The last sentence shouldn't be separated into different paragraphs. You could get away with that in poetry, but in prose it needs to be on one line.

From a storytelling perspective, when your protagonist does something (like punches someone to the floor) a more active and effective way to show action is to write it out in the order it happens. So instead of having the victim shout and then explain he's on the floor, show the character getting punched to the floor.

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over 5 years ago Kenshin Apples said:

This is incredibly interesting, especially for something so short. It's definitely caught my attention, and I'd love to read more. I would very much like to see where this story is going to go.