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Approximately 13 minutes to read
Rae's first "legitimate" summer job at a surf and slushy shop; what could go wrong on a slow Tuesday morning?
Note: I liked working around the word limit, It really helped me cut out the fluffy stuff! Enjoy!
5 months ago Laina Van Wingerden said:
I totally wanted to hit the heart and laugh button again :) *mentally clicks them about 10 times each* I'm going to be drooling over Asian guys here pretty soon, you silly thing :P Gah! This is adorable! I love it!!
10 months ago Jane A. Blackwood said:
I love this! Brilliant job. Good luck with the contest.
Do you want to swap? I'd be over the moon if you'd read I Blame the Rabbit for me. Hope for some feedback from you. Keep writing!
10 months ago Hayden said:
I think your ending was better before, before you added the part where he says "...Rae, wasn't it?" I think you should have left it at the part where he says something like "...and once I get that strawberry lemonade slushy, I will." It just ends it better.
10 months ago Laina Van Wingerden said:
This totally had me smiling! Incredibly written, totally made me feel the warmth of summer :) I LOVE the name Rae! So pretty. I have a huge list of names i like :) I then use them in all my stories :P
You are an incredibly talented writer, i look forward to more of your stories!
10 months ago Linda D said:
I like the premise of this story. It is cute and the dialog is good.
Forgive me for correcting your grammar. Your run on sentences confused me so I HAD TO put the commas in.
“I close my eyes, letting the cool…invisible, yet tangible beckoning, as if it were… waves.” I smiled slightly, and let out…”
It was…parents, and …beach, than…
This was BLISS…nightstand, demanding…sickeningly, short…”
“Oh,” I yelped - jumping
I fished out my cell phone (readying to) speed-dialing my boss. –perhaps try that.
“He stopped me.” How? You have 11 words available (if you choose to use “readying to”)
“No need to bother your boss for me.
My name’s Kevin…I will. Your name again? -(That leaves it open ended –something more is going to happen as he’s switched his attention back to her - Ooo an exact 500. Hmmm?
I like this. It is sweet and a fun read. Good luck in the contest.
11 months ago Hayden said:
This was really great. It tasted of summer, and was smooth like chocolate. Hey, I am hungry. ;) Anyways, I did love the smoothness of this, the way it flowed. The beginning did a great job of not forfeiting those descriptions to the word limit, so that you can focus on the actual story later. It really did set the scene beautifully. The romance in this was sweet, but not completely implausible like many a figment piece I have read. The only implausible thing about it was that she was calling 911--maybe she was calling her manager, that would make a bit more sense.
The only other things--I try to give at least two, always--was the very first paragraph was a tad bit choppy, but that by no means overrules my earlier comments. I would watch for that throughout. And just make sure things that might make perfect sense to you don't confuse a reader. I remember there was one scentance where I stopped and read it again. I don't remember exactly where, but I would say just have a friend do a read through.