They Call Me Thief

They Call Me Thief

1 chapter / 1194 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

There's a thief roaming the town tonight. She's spunky, she's clever, and she's out on a mission. But what appears to be a simple robbery may actually be something much deeper...

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Comments(599)

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17 days ago Max Baumeister said:

Salutations!

This is a critique- and meant only to be beneficial!. Please understand that my only intent is to help improve your writing! (By reading your work, it also helps me). ____________________________________________________________

I honestly liked this piece. In fact, a lot of the people on this website have trouble with short stories- they are the hardest feat for an ambitious writer. The transition from beginning, middle, and end went well.

Not only was it extremely interesting but your vivd description hooked me in. I really loved this factor.

Your paragraphs and dialogue is all set-up correctly, and in a way that the audience should be able to process the story in a more accurate manner. Overall, I thought it was a really good read. I loved the end!

My favorite lines:

[“Well, well. Look who we have here,” he sneered lowering his garlic- smelling head towards mine.] I loved this line- his garlic- smelling head towards mine. It creates a very vivid image, and I loved your descriptions.

[“He laughed manically, his potbelly jiggling up and down with the effort…”] Another line that was well done. It creates a clear image.

Suggestions? I actually had to read the story twice to get the full understanding. It seems like you mix humor with drama. I suggest that you stick to one theme unless you are writing a manuscript. Even then- it must be used with tactically. Having some humor does not hurt, but the way it came across- it was a bit confusing.

I would also consider removing items at the beginning such as a) b) c) and the frequent usage of brackets. It is not that it bad to use this- I just think the flow would be even more extraordinary if you eliminated this factor, and instead provided the information through dialogue, description, and text.

I am going to suggest something that a lot of people spit at me for saying- And trust me- I really do know what I am talking about… I think you should rewrite this. Why? Every time you rewrite a work- it gets even stronger. It is already a magnificent and strong short story- but I see a lot of inconsistencies that could be knocked out.

Do not assume the reader ever knows what you are talking about. For example, you have this line… “It was like Revenge of the Living Shopper Zombies.” Although, many people get this- you want a widespread audience and I think with a little description- it flow even better!

I apologize if I come cross harsh. You are obviously a very talented writer, and I thought you deserved a critique that could possibly be valuable to you. I really hope you do not think I am attacking you. It was a really good read- I think if you rewrote it- it could would continue to get astonishingly better!

Overall- I thought it was a very good piece and you clearly have talent!

Kind Regards, Max

Reviews(168)

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19 days ago Aaron said:

A real nice book i reed in last 6 months. Amazon selling it lessthan $1 (https://www.amazon.com/So-They-Call-Me-Thief/dp/B00V9PC4JK). For best deals on Books You can Use Best Book Offers & Coupons Page.

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3 months ago Veronica Mayrose said:

Hahahahahaha! You had me there for a second! I loved this!