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Approximately 11 minutes to read
15 hearts?? This is a fan fiction for Vanessa Tomlinson
over 4 years ago Emilyyyyyyyyyyy said:
check out mine?
over 4 years ago Hayley Rue Mockingjay said:
I read this instead coz I don't like Zayn haha. I like Louis though. This is good so far, keep going!
over 4 years ago Music Lover ♫♪ said:
I wonder who you are?? Haha, well if you're wondering, it's Rachell. Anyway, cute story!!!
over 4 years ago Yowlot said:
It's so kind of you to write this for a friend :) and so far it seems great.
over 4 years ago Melanie Gross said:
This was good, there were just a few things I saw.
1. You said quickly a lot in the first chapter when she was racing to get ready to school. Try to find a different word.
2. Instead of "zipped up my zipper", just say Zipped my bag.
3.In the first chapter you said she was an only child, and in the second she made her sister drive her to the hospital.
Just a few things to look at, keep up the great work!
over 4 years ago Ashley Norris said:
"Hi, Vanessa." (Add a comma after hi.) Same with the next line. Add a comma after hey.
I zipped up my bag, "Hey, Charlotte." (Zipping a zipper, this is redundant. Also, give your characters actions to avoid he said she saids.)
Limit your exclamations marks. One is enough to get the point a crossed. The rest are distracting.
Don't tell us the character is nervous. Show us. When people are nervous they have sweaty palms, they fidget, maybe they shake a little. Show us the nervousness.)
"Um..." Just one 'm' is enough.
I'm not a huge fan of fan fiction, so I don't know if this is a typical piece or not. Although, usual or not, the grammar issues I noted above will help your story flow better.