Bleeding Love

Bleeding Love

1 chapter / 1186 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

What would you sacrifice for love?

Comments(14)

Sunset

about 5 years ago Paige Marie said:

Wow, this is so heartbreaking! I love your take on the love triangle- it was unique and very sad! I wish you had more hearts- you could have gone far in the contest! Amazing job!

Capture

about 5 years ago Kandeeisnotbeingatroll. said:

Uhh, Sad much? The cover is creppyyyyyyy! Loved your wtory. Great job,

Background

about 5 years ago Emi B said:

This was good. I understood what was going on. But at the same time I felt really confused while I was reading it.

108

about 5 years ago Molly T. said:

You've got a real talent for writing. I was drawn in, and I felt for the characters. You're brave to write such a powerful ending. I definitely think you stand a chance in the contest!

Reviews(5)

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about 5 years ago Whitney said:

Hi, Petula. Thanks for your patience, and I hope you will find this review helpful.

1) I love historical pieces! I think you captured the feeling of slavery in the American South very well. If you're ever interested in learning more, you should check out the website for Colonial Williamsburg.

2) I will echo that Kiah's character is the least-developed of the three main characters, but he certainly has it right to be the one to make the sacrifice out of love. If I knew him a little better, it will make it easier to appreciate the fullness of his sacrifice. I think Charlotte was the strongest character out of the three.

3) Sometimes your dialogue was a little confusing; I couldn't tell who was saying what. I noticed this more in Kiah's section, for example: "'Take her!' William complied." I couldn't tell who was speaking there.

Another thing to remember about your dialogue tags is that unless it's a proper noun (Master Holloway, William) or preceded by punctuation (a period (.)), you follow with lower-case. For example, "But they'll kill you!" She cried. Unless "She cried." is a separate thought, "she" should be lower-cased. ("But they'll kill you!" she cried.")

4) "Finish what you started." He urged. William's father grew impatient with his hesitation.

Try this, instead: "Finish what you started," he urged, growing impatient with William's hesitation.

Keep your eyes open for similar issues throughout your story; it'll help the flow of the piece, which is already beautiful.

Overall, it's beautiful and powerful, and should be seen by more people. Thanks for letting me read this. If you have questions about your review, feel free to post on my wall. :)

Cool4

about 5 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

Okay, I originally intended on providing you with a full-length, monster-sized review, but then I read your story and found myself completely speechless with awe and with no criticism to offer. I am stunned. This is quite honestly the single most powerful piece of writing I have ever read on this site. The emotions here, particularly William's, actually made me ache inside, and I really, really wish William and Charlotte could have ended together.

Actually, I do have a suggestion to make - I felt like through it all, Kiah wasn't a very well-explained character. William was definitely well-developed, as was Charlotte, but I found it hard to empathize with Kiah, simply because there wasn't much I knew about his back story. I would suggest fleshing out his POV a little. :)

Other than that, though, this is beyond fantastic, and so, so powerful. I hope this piece wins, because based on the other entries I've seen, it certainly deserves first prize! Keep up the phenomenal writing. :)