Bleeding Love

Bleeding Love

1 chapter / 1186 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


What would you sacrifice for love?



over 5 years ago Paige Marie said:

Wow, this is so heartbreaking! I love your take on the love triangle- it was unique and very sad! I wish you had more hearts- you could have gone far in the contest! Amazing job!


over 5 years ago Kandeeisnotbeingatroll. said:

Uhh, Sad much? The cover is creppyyyyyyy! Loved your wtory. Great job,


over 5 years ago Emi B said:

This was good. I understood what was going on. But at the same time I felt really confused while I was reading it.


over 5 years ago Molly T. said:

You've got a real talent for writing. I was drawn in, and I felt for the characters. You're brave to write such a powerful ending. I definitely think you stand a chance in the contest!



over 5 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

Okay, I originally intended on providing you with a full-length, monster-sized review, but then I read your story and found myself completely speechless with awe and with no criticism to offer. I am stunned. This is quite honestly the single most powerful piece of writing I have ever read on this site. The emotions here, particularly William's, actually made me ache inside, and I really, really wish William and Charlotte could have ended together.

Actually, I do have a suggestion to make - I felt like through it all, Kiah wasn't a very well-explained character. William was definitely well-developed, as was Charlotte, but I found it hard to empathize with Kiah, simply because there wasn't much I knew about his back story. I would suggest fleshing out his POV a little. :)

Other than that, though, this is beyond fantastic, and so, so powerful. I hope this piece wins, because based on the other entries I've seen, it certainly deserves first prize! Keep up the phenomenal writing. :)


over 5 years ago Becca Hill said:

Swap for as much of “The Truth in my Shadows” as you can manage, thanks.

Remember any advice I give you is just that, feel free to do what you want with it.

After ‘I killed him’ you should add a clarifying sentence like ‘At least, I was the instrument of his death’ to avoid confusion about the fact that he is dead and then standing there.

William’s point of view is amazing and instantly I am drawn in wanting to know more. Expand on his point of view, it is poignant. Certain phrases in particular hit home: awaiting the price of our defiance. Expand on Charlotte’s section too. Both tend to do a lot of telling without showing. Show how distraught they are by more clearly describing their emotions, or the emotions occurring during their memories. Be careful about how many times you jump viewpoints as it can cause confusion for the reader. Though if you expand upon the emotions of each character a bit more it won’t seem like it’s too short before you jump.

Alright, wow, this story is clearly very well thought out. I can see so many possibilities for where this could head and I’m very curious as to where it will go. The only thing that I would suggest is as I have said above: expand on the emotions of your characters. Ensure the reader understands their thought processes and why they are doing what they are doing.

{} = remove, [] = add/change

Suggested Fixes: • ...the disappearing sun, talking late into the night[.] • You’ll run this {this} place one day.