Marked

Marked

1 chapter / 81 words

Approximately half a minute to read

Description:

**In progress/rough draft phase** Kiva Moonriver is living a mostly normal life going to school, playing in her band, and living by herself when she wakes up to four men living in her house! Her world is turned upside down when they inform her they are her bodyguards and inevitably follow her everywhere. Though there is more than meets the eye. These fellows are marked! Why does Kiva need all these bodyguards? Why is she so special? And will her life ever be normal again?
Cover made by me

Comments(26)

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about 3 years ago Kt said:

everytime I come on figmnent I get excited, re-read this story and wait for an update

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about 4 years ago Ann ista said:

I I LOVEE IT!!!!

Penguins

about 4 years ago Kim Burge said:

that was amazing! I really like it. there is good character descriptions and the plot is good great job

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about 4 years ago Caylin said:

awwwwwww!!!!!

Reviews(12)

Wheatley

about 4 years ago Anneka Wittenberg said:

Right, so I only read the first chapter, but it seems a promising one. At a nice length. Easy to swallow.

Ooh! You've definitely got something going here. It reads like an anime, almost-- not sure if you're familiar with animes but the snappy humor and odd characters definitely remind me of one. You can take that as a compliment, if you like. It's intended as one.

The names are interesting-- I especially like Gizmo. It really sticks with you.

Here's my complaint-- your description was either too sparse or too detailed. You hardly described the opening, which inhibited mental imagery a bit. Yo also used back story too much. Too much at one time. Remember to use backstory in increments or you're gonna drown your reader in too much information.

Try using sensual imagery. Instead of, "He's excited", try, "His mouth gaped open like a dying fish as he digested the news I just told him."

Okay, obviously my above example was a crap one, but you get the idea, eh?

All in all-- great story, plot. You have potential here. Just improve the description.

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about 4 years ago Caylin said:

Hey,responding to your comment, I loved it and thought it was really well written. Dare I say one of your best. You keep the reader in all the time and there's not a dull moment. The only thing I can say negatively is it's almost some what expected. Like some parts you can tell are going to happen and other's not so much. However, I really liked it and I hope you keep going with it. You are sooooo talented. :) Can't wait to see how it finishes.