6 chapters / 14187 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read


***PLEASE READ!!!*** Hey guys! This is the story I've been working on for awhile, and hopefully soon I'll stop focusing on the books followed by this one so I'll be able to work on this! I'd like to publish this someday, so if you could give me tips and such, I'd be really grateful! Enjoy!
One recently deployed Maine soldier scarred by war, and one Californian girl hurt by heart break. How will they meet, and how will they impact each other's lives?


Writing, Drama, Romance



about 5 years ago ElenaGrace said:

Hi, I just read the preface but I really liked it and will continue reading more when I'm less busy. I liked how you did it from two perspectives, plus I loved both of the characters even if the whole cheating, quater-back Brock was a bit stereotypical. It kind of reminded me of 'Dear John' a little bit, but I love that book so it's all good :) Well done


about 5 years ago Brendan W. Kellogg said:

You sure that guy didn't step on a lego? Those things can be pretty deadly. But great story nonetheless!


about 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

i think you're on the right track here, keep it up!

a few things i would tweak: don't directly address the reader, it breaks the 4th wall. it's like watching a movie and then having a character suddenly turn and direct the audience. the other thing is so show and not tell. you have the MC watching his mom go walk to the door, but you can say this without saying he watched her. something like 'come on girls,let's go,' my mom called from the way. just an example, but i think you know what i mean.

keep at it! excited to hear what you think about the new 'keeper' chapter :)


about 5 years ago Lucy-Shan said:

This is really interesting and intriguing. I love the imagery you used. It was AMAZING and some of the best I have ever seen on the site. It was well written and flowed very nicely. Breathtaking job! :) Loved it.



over 4 years ago Marshelle Tomasko said:

Alright so I’ve only read the first chapter so far. I haven’t read enough yet to understand the full plot yet but I do have some advice on other aspects of the story that just don’t seem to be clicking for me. These two simple steps will hopefully help you for not only the first two chapters but also for the rest of your story.

Step one – Cut the fluff and chose stronger verbs! This step is actually a few steps in one but you’ll see that they all fit together.

The first step of step one—haha—is to cut out the verb “to be” as much as possible. This includes words such as: is, are, was, were, be, been, etc. When you rid your writing of these verbs it forces you to choose stronger verbs. Strong verbs make an impact and engage readers.

The seconds part of step one is to get rid of all other unnecessary words. Examples of these other types of unnecessary words and phrases include: had, very, mostly, and anything that’s repetition. Repetition is throughout what I’ve read of your story so far and it’s completely understandable. When we write first drafts—as fast as possible, so that we can get all of our thoughts out in one go—we don’t have the time to browse through a thesaurus. When you go back through to edit is when you should cut out all these things.

To give you a better understand of what I mean, I’m going to edit your first two sentences how I would normally for a story of my own and break everything down so you can apply it to future writing.

First sentence—long, repetitive, and doesn’t make an impact. When you’re running you are moving fast; instead of saying. “ran as fast as I could,” pick a different verb. Raced, scrambled, bolted, and barreled all mean the same thing but give a much better impact. Also, look at how someone runs. Do their feet shuffle against the ground? No, they hardly even touch the ground. After that stop the sentence there and create a new one. Give the readers a little tease to draw them in. For the next part of the sentence cut out the “I”. I heard, I ran, I this, I that. Vary it up a little bit.

Second sentence—again with the repetition. A body includes the head and chest. Also, I spotted a “to be” verb. Let’s get rid of it!

Apply all of these things and you’ll get something that looks like this:

I scrambled through the dirt, feet barely touching the ground. A huge crash, a few pops, and a ton of echoing cracks rang out around me. The sound vibrated through my entire body; after all this time I became accustom to the feeling.

See how that has so much more impact? Editing all of your writing this way will make a huge difference.

Step two – Even though you’re writing fiction, keep your story realistic. I’m guessing this takes place during more current times so, why is a male nurse really all that surprising? Especially to someone in the middle of a war. Most medics in war zones—no matter if they’re in the army, marines, navy, or any other service group—are male. Troops also usually are sectioned together in groups where they all know each other; chances are this medic would know the person who was injured. Also why is he wearing a doctor’s coat when fatigues would normally be worn by someone in this situation? All of these tiny details make a difference. If you’re going to write about a war, but you’re unsure of specific details, do some research. Read books or even watch movies on the topic to gain more insight.

I don’t think you’re at the point yet where you’re ready for a punctuation and spelling edit, however, if in the future you have a draft of this where you would like an in depth edit just holler my way.


over 4 years ago Ava2121 said:

I can't to read more of this!

Tbh, I usually don't like books out of the male perspective since I'm female. I enjoyed this. Make sure your verb tenses are correct. Because I noticed you made some errors on that. Read the sentences out loud and should pick them up. But still good job.