Tarnished Reflections

Tarnished Reflections

3 chapters / 7883 words

Approximately 39 minutes to read

Description:

Inspired by the lyrics to Rihanna's Disturbia........................ Sixteen year-old Miles Hagerty has been trying to overcome the grief of losing his childhood friend, after an accident that also left him scarred, but alive. Through a series of disturbing dreams, Miles meets Desirée, a badly deformed girl who is seeking his help. She appears to come from a city that has been destroyed by violent creatures intent on decimating the entire population. As a result of these deadly attacks, the few surviving residents have all ended up with gross deformities. Miles soon realises that Desirée’s dangerous predicament extends further than the solitary domain of his dreamscape. Everything and everyone has a façade.
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Just the first three chapters to see what people think! :)

Genres:

Thriller, Novel, Fantasy

Comments(133)

After christmas dinner with grandma and papa at outback & the movie sing! (3)

about 2 years ago KadiMaeSpear said:

So, it's good, it really is, but I'm confused a bit. The dream just kind of comes into being and I'm not sure how it fits. Other than that, I really like it.

Dsc03678

over 2 years ago M. Prince said:

I've read the first chapters. There's one spelling issue, and this is a typo - when you're describing Matthew (the paragraph about him being a "complex fellow"), you wrote "bar the scars". I'm assuming you mean "bear the scars"? Anyway. The writing is descriptive and nice. One more thing is that you went into great detail with the dream. It seems misleading because so far it looks like the dream has nothing to do with the rest of the story. Unless the dream is recurring or of a lot of significance in the story, I'd recommend against starting the story with the dream and maybe sticking it somewhere else after the characters have been properly introduced. Anyway, it's a nice piece. Thanks for the read!

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over 2 years ago Ava Snow said:

I agree with Riley... You makes miles like the common boy. The nightmare was so well described. Keep writing it's obvious people like this story:)

Souffle

over 2 years ago soufflegirl6 said:

I don't know what to say. You didn't give me much on my story to believe that you actually read it, so I can't tell you much.

I will say that I won't lie to you. I wasn't a big fan of it. Please don't see this as a downer. I see you've got plenty of amazing and beautiful comments, so I'm just an outlier.

I just found it wordy and thought it was a little too slow for my taste. Even when all the panic started to break out, I thought it was slow. (If anything, those should be the scenes that excite me the most) I'm sorry I couldn't enjoy and again, please continue to write. Who knows, maybe I'll come back later and change my mind.

Reviews(52)

Carolicon2

over 2 years ago Kayla said:

Read Chapter 1 —

I thought this was a really interesting and creative premise for a story. I liked that you began the chapter with such a vivid and descriptive dream (though there was one analogy about something being similar to a scene on TV that felt a little out of place). I also really loved Miles, that you chose to give him some scars/imperfections, and his character in general. He felt really fleshed out, as did the other members of his family. I like the blend of his normal, mundane life and the drama of the dream. My only critique would be that some of the dialogue between Miles’ family felt a little disjointed — the fight between his brother and his father felt a little choppy. Other than that, well done!

Lonely-alone-girl-cute-bridge

over 2 years ago Fia Piper Lockwood said:

Ch. 1:

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you; my life has decided to become chaotic again. Because of this, I've read Ch. 1 only. If you're into chapter-by-chapter swaps, we could od that later though.

Alright, so this was great. The story captivated me and kept my attention all the way through. The characters were vivid, and the plot totally unpredictable.

There were just a couple things where I might edit and they are as follows:

-You use beautiful twice in the first paragraph. Beautiful is kind of a jaded word to begin with, but used so quick in succession, it loses its power. I'd find a synonym. You use it later in the chapter too, so definitely change it up.

-The woman at the beginning is mentioned at the front of one paragraph, but it's a big paragraph, so when you say "her" in the next paragraph, I would clarify with "the woman."

-The chapter would have more shock value (in my opinion), if you chopped it off sooner. There's so much information in so little time it feels slightly rushed. I do like the excellently placed quote towards the end, which totally sets the scene, so I would keep that. But I would end the first chapter shortly after we realize the fire is a dream.

-Not an edit: speaking of the fire, and I'm sure you've been told this already, but awesome move with the lack of glasses! SUPER CHILLING. Bravo.

-I also like the boy POV. I didn't expect it.

Overall, I liked this a lot. It's a very unique story, and I see a lot of potential. This first chapter was very well written. Good job!