The Color Red

The Color Red

2 chapters / 3372 words

Approximately 17 minutes to read

Description:

Avon age 20 is the crowned Prince and when he turns 21 he will be might be the kind; if he recieves his fathers approval and blessing, first. It's and old custom in his lands, but the prince doesn't think he's ready, and neither does his father. Things change for the worst, during the annual Halloween party, Avon and his father get into their typical argument on the bell towner but this time, it ends differently. Now that Avon is walking with the dead and he has many paths to choose from. How will he deal with the fact his father killed him? Will he run away from his responsibilities and those that depend on him? Will he ever bring the clans together as it as written? Many fates rest in his hands, too many for someone his age but it's his destiny right?

Genres:

Fantasy, Adventure, Drama

Comments(4)

Dsc_0143 (3)

over 5 years ago Rachel Elkin said:

Ah, this is so good! Really intense and completely captivating. I love it. It's so original and you should definitely continue! Nicely done.

-Rachel

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over 5 years ago Kat-Lee said:

Thank you, i really love to write. You are really good too, keep reading and writing and you will get better.

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over 5 years ago Kirstin Reine said:

Wow, you're a really good writer! I really enjoyed the story. I can't wait to read the ending!:)

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over 5 years ago A Girl That Writes said:

wow this sounds like its going to be really good. the story line is intense and i love where its going! one thing though ... i would break some of your paragraphs into shorter pieces. it would make reading it easier :D anyways great job on this and i hope you continue! :D

Reviews(3)

Shittyselfie

about 5 years ago Dorsey Sprouls said:

I really like where this story is going so far. I like the rebellious son/prince setup. The topic is kind of done to death in fiction, but I always like reading them. I especially like the opening quote and scene with Avon smoking. It sets a strong emotional tone for the whole story.

But that doesn't mean there were problems.

Okay, first off, there are quite a bit of grammar errors in the story, and sometimes it gets in the way of telling the story. I mostly know what you mean, but it just took a little more time to understand and interrupted the overall flow of the story.

Secondly, the dialogue was pretty awkward at points. When you're writing conversations, it helps to say what the characters are saying out loud. Then write down what you say. It's an easy trick to make anything related to dialogue really smooth.

Thirdly, there are a few awkward leaps in the arc of the chapter. I was completely confused as to what happened when he became the vampire. I understand that this could be revealed or explained later in the story, but as I could only read one chapter, it was really sudden and it's not my biggest complaint.

Lastly, I like how you set up Avon as someone who clearly despises his father, but the way you've written him doesn't make his case all that strong. Throughout the chapter, I was told that "GAH THIS GUY IS AWFUL" and "BUT WAIT HE'S DOING IT FOR MY GOOD." I'm not sure which angle you were going for, but if you go for both, it'll make the character weaker by comparison.

Again, I like the setup, and there is a lot you can do with the plot. Just work on the kinks in the story a bit more, and you'll be golden. Good luck :)

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about 5 years ago Julia said:

First, here are the most noticeable (not all) grammar mistakes:

'Jelouse' should be 'jealous'

Paragraph 2: 'My' should be 'by'. Remove comma between 'man' and 'to'. That is known as a comma splice, which makes the story much more confusing.

Paragraph 6: "...only 20 [,] well..."

Last Paragraph: Remove the 'what the'. The comma at the last sentence should be a period, and capitalize the 'W' in what.

Overall, putting aside the grammar mistakes, I really love the events unfolding and your descriptions. Very intense and dramatic, yet suspenseful and a fast paced beat that leaves the reader hanging. :) Write more, but just be careful on your commas and word arrangements. Read it aloud to yourself and you'll notice the mistakes easily. I love it! Write more ;D