3 chapters / 3490 words

Approximately 17 minutes to read


Kaci has a family secret that she must keep hidden but a boy at school, Ezekiel, is determined to figure out why she keeps hiding it. But after her siblings are taken away from exposing the family secret, she calls on Ezekiel's help to get her sister and brother back.



over 4 years ago Ashlie L said:

I liked this. You've got a great idea that you're doing a good job with, but it seemed a little choppy. The dialogue didn't sound right, considering their age, and I'm pretty sure teenagers don't speak so formally. A little fleshing out and you're good. Aside from that, good job!


over 4 years ago HollieJess said:

I liked this and I think it had potential however it took me a while to get into the story. I think you should carry on writing though, it's a great idea!

Pigeons 2

about 5 years ago Ted B said:

I like this a lot. You've got all the foundations here for a great story. One aspect I'd change is limiting past tense words like 'was' and 'were' to give the writing more momentum. Experiment with adjectives.


over 5 years ago Issa Trinidad said:

Good concept, but it felt very choppy. (I'm sorry!) The dialogue is too formal and awkward for high school kids, and her thoughts and descriptions are broken.



almost 4 years ago Ethan Dunn said:

I only managed to read the Prologue and a large portion of the first chapter. So here are the things I loved and the things that I felt could use some improvement.

LOVE 1-I very much enjoyed the humor in it. It was light, and yet it still made me laugh despite it's subtle style. I think you play with humor well. 2-The dialogue between characters was very enjoyable and I felt it was believable too. The overall tone of it is what set this story more apart I think. 3-The story line in general is very intriguing as long as it stays away from some Twilight-ish pitfalls, but I think your more talented than that! I love the idea of this story!

IMPROVE 1- I think the main improvement point I would give is that it should probably slow down and let us really sink into some of the scenes, showing us more description and personal flare would help on this I think. But each scene felt like it could go just a bit slower. I do this all the time myself, because I personally want to get to the best parts. Haha!

Overall, I enjoyed it. It was also very clean and good for a young adult audience and those are my favorites!


over 4 years ago Dragontea said:

Disclaimer: Dragontea makes no guarantee that a disclaimer will be supplied on every review and reserves the right to direct you to the previous disclaimer for disclamatory satisfaction.

### Part One: The Nitpiquerie ###

-"eventually vanished all together" I'm pretty sure the word is "altogether"

-"My mother had water but my father could do anything just like me but lied and said he had fire." The two "but"s in a row here confused me a bit. I don't know immediately why, but one possible rephrasing would be "My mother had water so my father, who could do anything, just like me, lied and said he had fire."

-"The reason why the people like me were not liked." This sentence is just a noun phrase, if that makes any sense. That sort of sentence fragment confuses me most of the time--adding "That was" or something at the beginning might make it clearer.

-"Thus why I had to keep my secret" Thus means "in that way" or "for that reason", neither of which I quite understand in this context. "Which was why" or "I thus had to" might work better, or something else.

-"I looked at him even out here, in the middle of nowhere I could not be completely honest with him." I think an "and" or maybe even a period after "him" would make this sentence better.

-"'I'm sorry'" I like this part--I can't immediately tell who's speaking, but that's nice, because the words seem to stand on their own, as though either person could have said them--both have things to apologize for. Very pretty and subtle.

-"I crawled into my bed and laid there..." This sentence and the previous both start with "I," which sounded a bit redundant to me. Also the past tense of "lie" is still "lay"

-"It was six at night and no word from either one, it was not normal." The strange omission of commas and things has up till now been very cool, conveying a strange sort of mechanically pensive mood that has to do with her situation quite nicely. In this sentence, however, more standard grammar would probably help--that comma could be a semicolon, or an M-dash, without much trouble.

-"Becoming angry at myself for just sitting there I grabbed my cell" I would have read this better with a comma after "there"

-"Finally I found it and stood there." This sentence and the next both have the form "X and Y" which seems a bit repetitive, so changing the structure might help.

-"I laid on the ground" Past tense of lie is still lay.

-"His blue green eyes were..." I would hyphenate blue-green.

-"we are going to have to go to each elder then and..." Commas on either side of "then", methinks, would make this clearer.

-"I nodded and wiped away the tears remaining on my face and winced when my fingers touched the burn on my cheek." and, and. The two and's in a row make this sentence a bit awkward, and also the next sentence. Some rephrasing would possibly be easier to read.

-"he said a small smile playing on his lips" A comma after "said", I think, would better convey the sense of this (wonderful) sentence.

### Part Two: The Retrospect ###

Plot: Now I know how she knows the significance of the fire! That was well-foreshadowed. I don't really understand the custom of marrying an opposite-element person, but maybe that will become clear and maybe Kaci doesn't know, which would be fine. As for the rest of this, the chapter seems a bit fast near the end, but overall the pacing is about as wonderful as the previous chapter's. I like the world you've made.

Description: The entire sequence at the beginning was beautiful. Not entirely flawless, but very very lovely. In general I don't have much to say, besides that Kaci is sometimes vague in her description, but in this particular chapter that helps matters.

Characters: In general, very nice, still. Especially I like Jenna. However: earlier, when a character did something slightly unexpected, it helped to tell me more about the character than I did before. Now though a few things Kaci does seem a bit unmotivated and since they drive the plot, I would have liked to know why she did them. I can't tell why she turned off her phone, or why she went to the cornfield. The way she describes things is interesting in its lack of commas and occasional vagueness nicely conveys her emotion (as I mentioned above) and makes a good character quirk, too. Overall I like the character. She could easily have been written as an audience stand-in or a Mary Sue, but she is neither of those. Zeke, too, has plenty of attributes.

### Part Three: The Conclusion ###

You seem very skilled at character creation. The plot drivers so far are not incredibly original but fairly so, and easily taken in your own direction, which I'm sure you'll do. The prologue is interesting in bringing across an area of Kaci and Zeke's relationship we haven't seen yet in the main story. The pacing is fantastic. The description sometimes uses too many adjectives or focuses more on sight than other senses, or departs from what Kaci would plausibly notice, but in general, is quite good. If this were a book I would finish it.

If you want me to come back and look at something I missed, or have any other comments on this review you would like to share with me, my profile is always open to comments. You have no responsibilities however and I hope I have been of (belated) service to you!