Even If I'm Only Dreaming

Even If I'm Only Dreaming

5 chapters / 4063 words

Approximately 20 minutes to read

Description:

Amanda and a ten year old girl named Avery have been on the run from murderers for five months. Are their lives in imminent danger? Yes. But who are they? What's their story? Why are their parents dead? Where is Amanda's love, Aric, and is he alive? Nobody holds the answers but Amanda herself, in a place in her mind so obscure that even she doesn't know if she'll survive on her constant run from death.

Genres:

Writing, Drama, Suspense

Comments(16)

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about 5 years ago Janae Elizabeth said:

*For the Swap* Oh my word I love you're writing style! The introduction was brilliant. It was confusing and dark and yet made so much sense and...I probably sound kind of crazy right now but the gist of it is I loved it. Great job!

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about 5 years ago Gaby S. said:

This was just was just so exciting! It was fun and flowed well. Great job with this, and keep it up.

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about 5 years ago J. Hammer said:

This is really good and has a lot of potential. I really hope you continue it. It kind of reminds me of Inception but I get the feeling that it's different. It kept me interested and kept me reading, which is very good. I also could feel something. Some of this was very well written, while other bits may need some work. I would consider rewriting the first part (not the prologue) of the story, especially the first sentence, because it was confusing. Try to break it up more, and make your individual sentences flow more. I think that even if you don't do this, the story will only get better. I hope you continue.

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about 5 years ago Nicole said:

This is fantastic writing! I found myself being soaked into every word you have placed on the screen of my laptop. Its descriptive, full of emotion, and wonderfully crafted. I really enjoyed this piece and hope you don't give up on it!

Reviews(6)

New copy

about 5 years ago RAY. said:

Well for starters, you're a really talented writer. This is honestly one of the better pieces I've read on this website.

Anyway, there are a few minor speed bumps. You're storyline is extremely complicated. You're trying to keep an ample amount of mystery within the plot, which is what ultimately is going to keep the reader's attention. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact that's what impresses me most about you're writing. You're really good at keeping me intrigued, and I actually sort of love how confusing everything is. However, at some points there is almost too much confusion. Some information we dont need this early in the story, like Avery's feelings on her parents' death. Yeah she's upset, but we already know that and I feel as though you should save her exact feelings and emotions for later as the story progresses. On the contrary,there's a lack of information in other points. You're giving us too much info on Avery, but not enough info on the main character. I would either take away from Avery, or add in info about the main character fairly soon once you continue.

And as far as continuing goes, I'm not totally sure what advice I can give you. I have no idea where you're going with the plot, and if you're anything like me, you don't know either. Stay focused though. It helps me to overcome writer's block when I step back and reevaluate each of the character's backgrounds. Start with their parents and work your way through their lives, and into the main character, and Avery's lives. Completely design the character from their history to their characteristics. Then decide where that information is going to lead them. I never know what happens next when I write, I sort of just sit back and let the scenario play out in my head as a movie would.

If you have any other questions please feel free to ask. Normally it's a pain to write reviews (I mean let's be honest), but I've really taken a genuine interest in your story. Definitely keep it up. Good luck!

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about 5 years ago Summer Hill said:

I really like this story and think it could be really amazing as you review it more and more.

First off, I like how the introduction is kind of free flowing, but it gets almost to off track and distant. I would just try to pull it in to convey exactly what you want.

Also, in attempts to make it better, it seems like your using sort of obscure sentence structures at times. Sometimes it works, but I think you should read over for strange wordings. On the contrary, some sentences are to plain, simple, and almost unnecessary (just restating something in a more simple way). Let the reader put the facts together a bit!

This is a no brainer teachers always say... SHOW DON"T TELL! But really, at some parts you could use a bit more showing.

I find the end part of "The Beginning, The Middle, and The End" to be misplaced. You could add the info about the little girl feeling her parents death is her fault in some other place. And the Aric stuff is unnecsarry and obvious. Of course she doesn't want him to die, we all see that.

I still can't get a picture of either girl. I can't even picture the main girls age.

How did the two girls find one another? How do they know it's the same killer?

Where is this?

Aric's speech in the beginning is so awkward. The "My fair Amanda" and "Stay safe" are so not things people would typically say. Especially in the given situation. Plus, Amanda would have totally freaked out more judging by her character, or so it seems to me.

So is it a dream or reality? I truthfully can not tell. Maybe I just didnt read close enough but I can not tell.

As for going forward, I would clear up if its a dream ro reality and WHY things are going on. I'm pretty confused at parts to be honest.

All the being said, I like this alot. Don;'t take the criticm negatively. Its just because saying "Yay! Wow! Amzing :)" wont make the piece any better. I want it to be the best possible! :) Great job on it.