1 chapter / 1200 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


OMG! 2nd place! Haha thank you soooo so so incredibly much to everyone who helped me to get there. I'm so thankful for winning! I am going to start working on a novel inspired by this story after this contest is over. :)
Lena and Connelly are celestial opposites and everything in the universe is against them. But in the end will love conquer all? Or will a power beyond their control tear them apart?

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about 5 years ago Karla.A.Torres said:

This is honestly really good and loved how they could never be together but tried to. It's really good!


about 5 years ago Sarah Emily Green said:

Sorry it took over a month to get back to you on this, but I really truly loved it. It sucked me in and I wanted more. Thanks for this :)

~~Please read any of the first four/five on my page for the swap~~

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about 5 years ago A.T. Wilson said:

I thought this was absolutely incredible. I especially loved your character's names; how unique! But I thought it was a very interesting short story that could someday really become a whole, successful novel. I really look forward to reading more of your writings and I wish you luck with your other works!

Keep up the amazing writing, love!

- A. T. Wilson


about 5 years ago Kris Senya said:

This piece was great. I'm sorry if I was too late to help with the contest and I hope you did well.



about 5 years ago Lauren Brooks said:

Hello A.C. Shaw,

I read the first chapter of your writing project and provided a review below. Please read the overall comments at the end of the review for more information. This is a good introduction to your story but I wanted more description. From what I read, I know you can be very descriptive in your wording. Paint an intriguing web of mystery and suspense to have your reader at the edge of his or her seat waiting to turn the next page to see what happens next.

The first few sentences of an introductory paragraph, especially, the first paragraph of the first chapter needs to prepare the reader for the information he or she is about to experience. This is where you want to ‘bait’ the reader and ‘reel’ in the line with enough tension to set the hook. Provide the reader with more insight to the surroundings of your characters prior to jumping into the dialogue. Show the details of the alleyway rather than tell the reader. Is it dusk, dawn, sunny, windy or still? I know you stated that a chill was in the air and winter was not far off but provide more detail to paint a solid picture. Walk outside and look at your surroundings. What do you see? Do not miss any detail when you are setting up a scene. What do the surrounding buildings look like? As a reader, I wanted to know why the characters would walk into an alleyway to talk where it smelled of urine and cigarette smoke. I am not sure I would stay in that condition, especially, smelling a foul odor unless the situation was urgent.

“How can you do the things that you do? Why can’t you trust me with this?” He was so secretive in everything he did; no matter how many times I told him he could trust me. – Review your sentence for pronoun misuse because generally we do not put two or more pronouns beside each other. A pronoun can replace a noun but the use of pronouns can be a little vague. Try to use the individual’s name to break up the repeat of pronouns.

He looked at me incredulously. “What do you know about trust? I know that you’re keeping something from me. You keep saying I can trust you but how can I when you don’t trust me? It’s probably a good thing you don’t trust me.” – Review the sentence for adverb placement. Ensure the adverb is not between the verb and its direct object. Keep in mind, the sentence would read well without the word ‘probably’, which may hold a firmer impact.

I hated my secret, and I wished that for once I was someone who could worry about normal things. – Review the sentence for comma use, especially tied to interrupters. The interrupter ‘for once’ would be better emphasized by the use of commas before and after the phrase. NOTE: Watch the use of the word ‘that’ because you tend to use it frequently; the word ‘that’ can often be removed from the sentence with little to no impact. This sentence could be split into two independent sentences as well.

I felt a tear fall down my face as my stomach momentarily clenched with regret. – Consider revising this sentence because one can fall down, a can fall off a structure but generally a tear does not fall down someone’s face. A tear can roll, trickle, etc.

They emitted a low light that lit up the area around us, making the grime of the alleyway look a million times less repulsive. – Review the sentence for an incomplete comparison. The alleyway looked a million times less repulsive than what?

I thought for sure he was going to call me a freak of nature or something horrible like that, but he didn’t. – Review the sentence for squinting modifiers. The modifier ‘for sure’ may be defining either clause in your sentence and is therefore a squinting modifier. Ensure it is clear which clause is modified by this word. NOTE: The phrase ‘for sure’ could be removed from the sentences as well.

“It’s because of my secret. Because of what I am and what I am capable of. You would not be safe around me.” There was a pained expression on his face. – Try avoiding starting a sentence with the phrase ‘There was’ or the word ‘Because’, plus, the use of the word ‘was’ results in passive writing. Therefore, avoid using the word ‘was’ when possible.

He flinched at my words and it felt like someone was contracting my heart. – Review the sentence for improper use of ‘like’ verses ‘as’. Plus, this sentences my benefit from conversion into two sentences. Example: He flinched at my words. It felt as if someone contracted my heart.

*** Over all comments: You have an interesting idea of forbidden love between Halflings. The love between an angel and a demon is comparable to light and dark, which can result in many conflicts for both sides. The one main suggestion I can impart to you, is to write this first person selection in present tense instead of past tense. This will enable you to show the storyline as it unfolds instead of telling a story after the fact. Watch the use of ‘and’, repeated pronouns, and ‘that’. The repeat use of words can be redundant and break the flow of reading. In addition, read your writing project out loud, especially, dialogue. This will help you to pinpoint awkward wording or overly long sentences. Keep in mind; it is okay to have a mixture of short and long sentences. You can avoid run-on sentences by splitting them into two independent sentences.


about 5 years ago Emily (Frowning) said:


I love your cover. It's just amazing.

You used a lot of descriptive words in the first paragraph, which I appreciated a lot. I also enjoyed that you used the words "normalcy" and "incredulously", both of which I love a lot! RANDOM FACT!

Anyway, it was a very interesting, unique story, and there are only two minor things you may want to consider changing.

One of the first few paragraphs, where you use the word incredulously, was a little confusing, with "trust" appearing all over the place. A little editing could smooth this out.

The title is also a bit cliched. I'm sure that you could think of one a little more original if you wanted to. If not, that's totally cool, cuz the cover is awesome enough to compensate for this.

Good luck, and fantastic job!