A fragile heart to share

A fragile heart to share

3 chapters / 967 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

Alice and Marc have known each other for years, but never really spoken. Once they start highschool will they get a second chance? If they can hide the embarrassment and pass up the knots in their stomachs, they might just be able to speak up for once.

Genres:

Writing

Comments(63)

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11 months ago Cait Cher said:

I find this interesting, but it needs more detail.

Vaporeon

over 1 year ago Yamino Tenshi ♫ said:

I loved this.

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over 1 year ago Mae Asare said:

I loved your story! It's really cute and romantic. The ending is perfect :)

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over 1 year ago Kayy said:

This is adorable! I love how you put the first chapter in third person and then after that you switched it to first. The only error I caught is that in the first chapter you spelt embarrass wrong. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Good job and keep writing(:

Reviews(23)

Girl with sunglasses

over 1 year ago meg said:

*For our swap This is a cute idea. Really. It is. But the thing is, there are a lot of cute ideas, and this one tends to get used a lot in writing. You know, popular boy and unpopular girl and they like each other and BAM they kiss and everything's better. (Sorry, that was a bit of a run on sentence. I was making a point about cliches.) So, since this is overused, you need to make it your own. You need to make it different, flesh out your characters. You could do a lot with the characters. You have good backstories. Try answering: Why was Mark depressed? (and, since someone should have noticed): How did he stop being depressed? Did he go to the doctor? Pyscologist? Shrink? Was he hospitilized? And, then, about the main character (sorry, I just blanked on her name): Why is she emo? and What has her best friend helped her with? So, that's my advice. Flesh out your characters, fix some grammar, and you could have more then a cute story. You could have a really good story, and that's what everyone is looking for.

Beach kiss

over 1 year ago Ryan Christine said:

I'm going to preface this by saying I understand that this was for a contest and obviously had a word limit, but I think there is a lot to be improved upon here. I'm not sure how old you are, and you probably don't have any reason to trust my judgment on this so here's my background: I've been dating the same guy for two years now. I'm almost 19 and I'm in college. He and I met my Junior year of high school when he was a senior and he was the guy that every girl wanted to date. When we talked about him, we didn't just use his first name. He was a thing. So we used his last name too. (Example: Oh my god. I just bumped into Johnny Smith in the hallway. *Emphasis on the name*) I didn't know him personally. He was just eye candy. He was an athlete, had a car, everything that a girl could dream about. He told me he loved me after we dated for a month, a big deal because he was a player and I didn't believe in love. When I was 14, I went through and emo phase, with the dark clothes and the dark music (still love MCR though). I got made fun of. So I'm writing your review from the point of view of someone who has crushed on the impossible guy to get, someone who got bullied for being emo, someone who has already been through high school (I apologize if you have, but I honestly can't tell). That all being said, nothing of what I am about to write is with the intention of being mean. I've had a lot of time and practice writing and I just want to help because I remember being at this stage and how frustrating it is. So here we go:

Chapter One - You start your story with "Marc Freeman is the number one guy at Lancaster High that every girl there wants to date." Plainly put, it's worded really awkwardly. Also, it's incredibly cliche. I know exactly where the story is going from that point on. Some unknown girl likes him and he likes her but obviously they don't run in the same social circles and would never actually be together in real life. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt and read on. But I wasn't wrong.

- I've also be personally affected by depression, and let me tell you, he would not be able to keep that a secret. From anyone. Not friends, not parents because it's not something you can hide easily. Especially not for three years. On top of that, why is he depressed? He sounds like he's got it all and he seems totally okay when he's talking to Alice in the later chapters. What gives? As of right now, that he's depressed is a totally useless and completely unfulfilled piece of information. Drop it or fix it.

- As for Alice, she's a very stereotypical main character. Okay she's shy and sensitive. Riveting description. I don't know what she looks like. All I know is that she gets called emo and has a soft side. Why is she shy? Is it just her personality? How is she sensitive? Are you telling me this is a girl that dresses dark and keeps to herself but secretly loves pink little bunnies? You need to describe her. And you need to describe him. What you have does not suffice. Was she bullied? That would be a really great place to start this story. Rethink it completely. Maybe Marc comes to her rescue, tired of watching his friends make fun of the girl he loves. Step away from the cliches and give your own original ideas a chance.

- Then you go and say that Marc is the same but the complete opposite. I'm not really even sure what that's supposed to mean. If I were you, I would explain it more or lose it.

- You have clichéd your characters all by yourself. That doesn't make for an interesting read. Marc is good looking, has a reputation with girls and *of course* he plays a ton of sports. I mean, seriously? I've read this story a million times. I watched this story a million times. You'll get hearts from twelve year olds who want to find a love like this in high school. But it's so unrealistic. Don't write to cater. Write to challenge. What makes Marc and Alice different. What will make me love them, cry for them, be happy for them. I want to feel a character when I read about them. I don't feel anything for these characters.

- So Marc has felt a special connection to Alice since fourth grade? No. No he has not. Because fourth grade boys are mean. They are not thinking about girls unless they've sniped their dad's stash of Playboys and are looking at fake boobs on a mag spread. They don't feel a strange and inexplicable connection to some girl they don't even know. A crush? Sure, why not. But this surreal and strange connection? No. Fourth grade boys are more concerned with spitballs, cuss words, and playing basketball at recess.

- The one thing that I loved about this was your word choice right here: "...worst of all his voice get caught up in the wind." That there is a fantastic description. I literally love it. Love love love it. If you write like that throughout this story, you'll get much more positive reviews. Sure, you might have a lot now, but people will be astounded by your ability to write. Only come up with these things once in a blue moon? Write poetry. That's how I practiced my descriptions. I wrote about everything. The moon, the grass, my family.

- Going along with that description though, you should explain how they knew each other. It's really just unbelievable that they haven't uttered one single word to each other and yet they are in love. They need something to hold on to. Maybe it was something small that they both remembered like they teamed up to make the coolest dinosaur out of playdough during indoor recess one day. What they have needs to be personal if people are going to believe in it. Work on making it more quirky, less superficial. Originality will draw readers in.

Chapter Two - The way you describe it, clearly Marc is crushing on Alice. You make her look stupid this way. It needs to be more subtle. He needs to stop ogling at her. Hell, I don't even know if she's pretty. Why does he like her so much?! These are things the reader needs to know. Needs. To. Know. So figure out a way to make Marc less of a guy. Make it subtle. If she's doubting his crush so much, there should be a reason to do so. Is it rumored that he's talking to Miss Crazy Beautiful and Popular? Give her a reason to question it, other than it's Marc Freeman.

- She slides down her locker. Really? I'm sorry, but that is just so ridiculously cliche that I can't even take it. I'm begging you to stop thinking about all those romantic comedies and books you've probably read and think about a realistic situation. No one does that! It just doesn't happen. Maybe she slams her locker shut. Maybe she slumps against it for a second and then goes to class. I don't even know. But for the love of God, she does not slide down her locker to the floor, especially not in a busy hallway.

- Why is Leila her best friend? I don't know what she looks like, I don't know how long they've been best friends. Why? And what has she helped her through? Explaining this will help round out both characters who are currently falling flat, caged in their stereotypes.

- High schoolers do not get excused from class to go to work. It's not allowed. The work place wouldn't be allowed to schedule her while she was at school. It's against the law. And how would she be able to be early tomorrow if she had a class before this one? It doesn't make sense and it feels like filler fluff.

- When Marc follows her, instead of saying "I try not to sound snotty", focus more on her confusion. She hasn't talked to his guy and she doesn't think he knows she exists (cliche). Also, why wouldn't she be excited? She is supposedly in love with this guy. She should be turning somersaults, not standing there like an idiot.

- When Marc is talking, start with "I'm, uh, Marc." It's really awkward at the end. And not awkward in the way it should be for the situation. Just awkward. And it's also really creepy that he knows when she works. Maybe figure out another way to put that. Be like "You can't possibly be going to work already." or something.

Chapter Three - The chunk of Alice's dialogue is really bulky and he doesn't answer any of her questions which is really kind of creepy. I wouldn't be going anywhere with him if he knew that much about me, I don't care how in love I was.

- Try having her say no for a change. Be like "I don't think going there is a good idea." That way he can argue for chance, that he's a good guy. It'll give him a chance to flesh his character out a bit.

- Also, I really don't think any guy suffering through depression is going to just out and say "You're cute when you're sleeping" and then wink. It's creepy when people wink. It's only attractive if it's a joke.

- Okay, so they drive to this pond, essentially ditching school at this point, and she conveniently has a blanket in her trunk. And they are sitting under a tree. How romantic. Change "the tree" to "a tree".

- Guys don't just say that shit about "a feeling around a special someone" right away. They need to have insurance. They need to know that you like them too. Also, the way you describe that feeling with the racing heart and sweaty palms is not original at all. Come up with your own description. If you really want to keep this scene the way it is, it needs to be something new. As of right now, it's tired.

- Then they just go in to kiss. It's a first person narrative. Why do we not hear about her feelings? I should be able to see the way his eyes look, what he smells like, all that jazz. And yet, I still know nothing.

Overall Notes - Your first chapter is basically a character bio for each of them. Show, don't tell. It's not interesting to read. Be descriptive. Tell me who your characters are. What do they look like?

- You need more character development and more plot development.

- Stay away from tired cliches.

- Work on being more realistic.

- The contest is over. Go back and add more words, write more scenes.

I really hope this review helped. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, and I would love you to defend/tell me what you saw in your head when you wrote this. Leave me a message on my wall. Laters!