The Prayer Tree

The Prayer Tree

1 chapter / 1086 words

Approximately 5 minutes to read

Description:

*All comments and critiques will be returned*

Drew, a sixteen year old girl has grown up in a life of pain and fear. While struggling with her sexuality and life, she finds herself overwhelmed. Considering suicide, she takes a walk through the neighboring apple orchards that have been rumored as haunted. But instead of a good place to off herself, she finds notes folded into one of the trees branches, letters written by sixteen year old 'new girl' Paethon. Deciding to put her own problems aside, Drew begins writing back to her, and together they find a new way to cope with the weight of their lives, and eventually, teach each other to live again.

Genres:

Writing, Drama, Novel

Comments(18)

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over 4 years ago blue history said:

This is beautiful. I can tell you re-edited it until you thought it was perfect. Good job. (:

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almost 5 years ago Casey Williams said:

This was really good, and I totally agree with Jinjin you can really tell how much work you put into this. Keep going!

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about 5 years ago Jinjin Tiger said:

Wow, this is brilliant. I can tell you put a lot of work into this. The imagery was fantastic and to be honest I got a little jealous XD. I'm excited to see where this goes. So far it has so much potential. Great job!

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about 5 years ago Nicole said:

I love the description and emotion you have put into this story! I was captivated by ever words you have written down here and I wish there was more! You have a awesome beginning to a plot line that had me captivated at the very start.

Reviews(2)

Dress

about 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

this piece shined because of its mature prose and lyrical style. loved, loved, loved it! everything flowed well and the pacing was great.

there were a few typos, but that's what rewrites are for. i wouldn't spend too much time worrying about those now. i say, just keep at it and keep writing.

completely hooked and excited to read more.

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about 5 years ago Katie ZaBAM said:

Okay, so just a little disclaimer before I get into the nitty-gritty stuff: Anything I write here is only my own opinion. I apologize if I come off as harsh or rude - it's probably because I'm just writing down what I think as I go along. Okay, no now on to the actual writing:

- First of all, just gotta say that I adore that cover. It's gorgeous and sets the tone of the story.

- You open out with a really nice bit of imagery there, and I particularly like the phrase "reaching for the sheets". It doesn't really grab the reader's attention, to be honest, but I think it still is a powerful piece of writing.

- You appear to have a very sophisticated, almost poetic writing style, which I definitely can appreciate.

- "...as he usually did[;] instead[,] he lingered..." You need to replace that comma with a semi-colon, and add in a comma after 'instead' to indicate a pause in her thoughts.

- "Disapproval" is spelled with two p's. You only had one.

- Maybe this is just my own preference as a reader, but I think you're doing a little too much describing. Don't get me wrong, you're definitely a very talented writer in the imagery area, but it gets a little...well...boring after a while (no offense). Maybe add in a little dialogue or more action? I understand you're still setting up the scene, but I think some readers would quickly lose interest with all the description of the scene. Just something to think about!

- "Everything blurred together[;] my feet..." Again, replace the comma with a semi-colon.

- "Mattress" has two t's. You only put in one.

- "It's [okay][.]" - you should spell out the word "okay" instead of just using the short version, and you also left out a period.

- The sentence where it says: "She'd gotten skinnier I noticed..." is awkward and grammatically incorrect. I'd advise rewording it to, "I noticed she'd gotten skinner as she..." See? Same meaning, but with better flow.

- "Occasional" is spelled with only one s. You had two.

- "...occasional sniffle[;] for the most part[,] she..." You need to replace that comma with a semi-colon since you're connecting two sentences. Also, don't forget to put a comma after the dependent clause ('for the most part') when hooking it to an independent clause.

- "Rubbing my eyes[,] I began to sift..." Again, same problem. Don't forget the comma after each dependent clause.

- "...for her bruises and welts[,]..." Same problem, see above.

Overall, I think this is a very strong, solid start. You added lots of description and imagery, and I am curious to see what's wrong with the mother and why she's always crying. Like I stated above, I'd add a little more dialogue, but it would be sort of hard with this scene. Either way, great work! I think this is a wonderful start for a promising novel. Keep on writing!

~Katie