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Approximately 3 minutes to read
For Round 2 of Veni, Vidi, Scripsi. Inspired by the song "Welcome Home" by Radical Face. Integrated lines from the song are italicized.
A man returns to his childhood home for the funeral of a childhood friend.
over 4 years ago Elaine Harlington said:
This story has such a great, almost gothic beauty to it. I love the imagery created by your carefully picked words and the sentence at the beginning is so descriptive. This has a quiet beauty to it and I'm glad I read it. :)
over 4 years ago Applejack said:
Tone and imagery are strong here; I'm terribly bad at imagery, so I'm envious here :)
Stories about abuse are always sad D: but are good stories to pour out all your emotion in. This is a wonderfully written piece!
over 4 years ago David Nolan said:
Very well done! The writing was filled with imagery, the point was clear, and I liked the originality. The descriptions were perfect, and overall, this was a great story
over 4 years ago Kira Martin said:
Very good imagery and voice.
over 4 years ago Emma Dilemma said:
This gave me shivers. Your gorgeous imagery drew me in from the very first line. It's perfect in that the story unfolds just enough to reveal emotion and loss, but not too much that the mystery is gone. I'm in love with everything of yours I've read so far... you deserve a follow! :)
over 4 years ago Amman said:
I loved the imagery.
Had to get that out of my system straight away :-p but seriously, that's your major strength, the imagery. It really beautified the piece. The sheets swaying like captured ghosts, that was truly inspired.
You build up the atmosphere of the place really well. I could feel the depth of loneliness of the narrator. I think you captured the pain of his loss very well. I love how the MC refers to his friend in present tense - "you are the only one I trust" - that was very touching. When he tries to summon up the memory of his friend's laughter - that bit was so poignant. Thank God, I've never lost anyone close to me, but I could feel the helplessness, the pain that comes from only having memories and having to wake up to reality so well that I'm not sure if I should thank you or blame you :-p
Also, your description of the aunt was great. Descriptions of people are always tough - for me, anyhow - because they so often sound unnatural, ruining the flow of the story. Not with you, though ;-D
But I had some trouble buying the aunt story. How severe was the physical abuse? If the parents could brush it away as the kid simply having "fallen", then it couldn't have been more than a few bruises, because they would notice if he was really badly hurt every time the aunt came round. Also, you didn't mention why the MC doesn't speak out. You write that the friend was his/her only trusted companion, but you don't mention why...I think that's a really important point, because the abused have a reason they don't speak out - usually fear - and I think it would be nice if you developed that part of your story.
Also, your italics seemed a bit random. They disrupted the flow of the story for me.
I'm sorry I couldn't criticize any more, but really, your story was so-o-o-o awesome that I don't have much to say except that I'm not absolutely positive, but I think you may have made a few grammatical errors/typos somewhere in the story. I meant to make a note of those but the story was so utterly engrossing that I got sucked in;)