20 chapters / 77403 words

Approximately about 6 hours to read


The island of Kanderona, home of the Guardians, is the only place Calfer has ever known. After years and years of wishing for his frames, the foundation of the wings all Guardians have, his family's approval, the returned affection of the beautiful and intelligent Anastaria and the strength to stand up to his abusive brother; finally, he has it all. Yet things change. He begins to see visions, horrible things, the deaths of loved ones, the fall of the Guardians. Training is no cakewalk, he finds himself at odds with friends and allies alike and the girl he loves, and loves him back, mysteriously calls everything off. Calfer knows something is wrong when the rebellion group, the Ornataro, take a stand and begin to kill Guardians as well as their supporters. He doesn't know what's coming, only that a storm is rising and he, and those he loves, may very well be stuck in the middle of it.


Fantasy, Adventure, Novel


Updated kitten photo

over 4 years ago Madison said:

So I've read like 15 chapters of this! I'm still reading, but I've made you wait for sOoOoOoOo long! So I'll just let you know now!

To start off I love the whole idea: the wings, the dreams, the girl... it just all blends together perfectly. the only problem was grammical errors, but just copy and paste it on word and fix the errors. I love how it's in a guy's point of view! All these new dystopian books are in a girl's point of view instead of guys. So I really enjoyed that. each chapter dragged me in because Star said she would be with him when she was ready. I admire your patience! Because when I was reading it I was so mad at her. I was like 'Come on! Just date him already!' So you did a great job with making the reader anxious for the romance. I also loved the names! They fit each character so well. I'm impressed by your creativity. You created a whole new world full of crystals, guardians, and action! It was all amazing!

Overall I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to finish it...probably like tonight! lol! You are a great writer! EXCELLENT job on this!

-Maddie :) (Sorry this is so long!)


over 4 years ago Lionheart said:

I really liked the concept. The only thing is that I think there are a LOT of grammatical problems. Have someone edit it for you, or read it aloud.


over 4 years ago Kai McCarthy said:

To start, this is great! I love the MC's voice, the unique names, the whole wing thing, practically everything! It's a unique story, the world sounds intriguing, and the names (I love unique names) are the best! There's a few times I noticed a missing words or double words (I think it was 'does it makes' or something like that) but other than that I didn't notice too many mistakes. Great job!


over 4 years ago Rob said:

Very well done, Nick.! Keep writng!


John barrowman photo op_cropsq

over 4 years ago Anna M. Watson said:

All right, let's get this long-term swap restarted.

Chapter 6

"I outwardly groaned" - probably don't need "outwardly". How else does one groan?

"We're at the school…don't seem to care." - you use "gone" in this paragraph a lot in a short space. I'd try to use some other words, because when repetitive use of a word is noticeable, it's too much.

"break into tiny little piece" - pieces

You can't use "Ms." like you are. It only comes before a name. Ms. Lemstrom, for example. It's Miss if he's using only that. Like you wouldn't ever use "Mr." without a name afterward. If you were going to, it would be Mister.

"Ornataro" - good name

"a man wearing very odd looking spectacles and a piece of paper asks us" - one, it sounds like the man is wearing a piece of paper. Two, it sounds as if the paper might be asking them something. Reword.

"unless your simpletons" - you're

"more confidence then I do" - than

"like it was on lone" - loan

Whoa, weird ending to that chapter. I'm now really curious as to what is going on with that. Overall, good chapter. As I think I've mentioned before, maybe a bit too much inner dialogue from Cal, but that's something to worry about in the next draft.


over 4 years ago Lucy Marie said:

Before I get into my review, after reading the second chapter, I wish so much that I could heart this wonderful, original story twice! You're doing a great job with this and I can't wait to read more!

Also, I'm going to put a little disclaimer here because I know this review is ridiculously long. Last time, you said you liked my thorough review, and well, this one is much more in-depth. I'm hoping that you find it helpful because I want to help make your piece even more amazing. But if you feel this is way too long and in-depth, feel free to tell me and next time I won't go into quite as much detail.

Right onto the review (I reviewed as I went so my suggestions and other comments are mixed together):

(Add/replace what's in these [ ] and delete what's in these { }.)

*”…outside my window[,] yet I know if I don’t pull myself out of bed[,] then I’ll be late for my first class.”

*”…in a tangle [around] my face.”

*”…beside my parents’[,] there have been some…”

*”First, Kantar ‘had had’ his own room.” – I understand why these two are together, but it sounds awkward. I would rearrange the sentence here to eliminate that, but it’s totally up to your preference.

*”Eventually[,] Kantar had left…with Tartan[.] [However, once] Tartan and…” – The sentence was becoming a run-on so I would break it up someone along the lines of how I suggested with the “however”.

*”When Talphoria visits[,] she sleeps in this room[.] [We] prefer to leave Tartan to his own devices[,] and my parents…”

*”I assume my eyes briefly flash” – I’m not sure what you mean by this part?

*”…too much power behind it[;] I just break the seal…”

*”Immediately[,] the fire crystal…”

*”For a few moments[,] I simply stand there.”

Some people mind find the shower scene boring, but I think it adds a sense of realism and relatability to your character. I know that sometimes a shower helps me forget about my worries or just think through what I need to. I think you did a great job of describing that! I thought this part was funny too, a nice light-hearted moment, “I wouldn’t want to give her a fright.”

*”I smooth my hair over with my hands{, well} as much as I can.”

*”I grab a large bag off of the floor next to my bed and shove some books from the shelf above my bed into it.” – This sentence sounds awkward to me. You need to edit it to bring back in some kind of flow. Maybe you could cut the ending part about the shelf above his bed; the reader doesn’t really need to know that. :/ Try editing it to something along these lines – I grab my bag off the floor next to my bed and shove some books into it. (Sometimes less details can be better)

I liked how you kept making your character sound like a normal teenager. Again, it made him more real. This line especially did that “even looking at them makes me feel bored.”

*”…with the fire crystal[,] but the events off last night steer me away.” – Great reference to the emotion you created in the last chapter here!

*Hmm… I’ve noticed you start a lot of your sentences with “I”. Not as badly as a lot of other writers I’ve read, but enough to make me notice. It’s not a huge deal in your piece because you have other variations, but if you have time, I’d suggest going over this and switching up some of the “I” starters a little more. An example where you could do this is this paragraph – “I sling the bag over one shoulder…half jog out the door.”

I loved how you described his desire to become more than he is throughout the second chapter. It makes me feel really sympathetic for your character. You do a great job of tugging on the readers emotions.

“…family’s expectations[,] but I don’t even care anymore.” I really liked this sentence, great job of describing his feelings – “I am forever bound to the life of an outcast, never to truly feel my family’s pride, never to reach what I want to be.” – Just…gah…just wonderful!

*However, I do not think you need the last part – “{I’m also rather dramatic.}” – It takes away from the wonderful sentence before and the reader will already get that impression from reading the rest of the piece.

*”I figure I’m already {almost} late…”

*”…be one of them[,] but I have no desire to join them.”

“…all like him[,] then it wouldn’t…”

*”…kind of the same[,] not counting a few exceptions.”

*”…in the outside world there [are] many different groups.”

*”But here[,] the {only} girls are vain[,] {and} horrible[,] {and} gossipy and over dramatic[,] so they all {kind of} fit together. I don’t understand them[,] for they [seem] to love and hate each other all at the same time. Sometimes[,] I’ll see…and scratching[,] and [then] the next day… [I]t doesn’t make sense to me.”

*”…belong to a group[,] it would be them.”

*…spoken to a few of them once or twice[,] but there is never {much of} a spark. Still[,] I like them…the other groups[—]never to their faces[,] of course.” I loved this, “Then there’s her.” Great introduction that follows, too!

*”When I look at her[,] my heart starts eating…”

*”Her blonde hair, [shoulder-length], seems to swirl [around] her face.”

Such a cute line – “That smile…it could easily replace the sun.” Beautiful imagery!

“…and I’m…well[,] not bad[,] I suppose.”

*”…muscular[,] but I certainly don’t…”

*”…to worry too much about [how she’s] sitting.”

*”falling just short of her shoulders.” – You already mentioned her hair was “shoulder-length” so you need to cut one of these descriptions, so you’re not saying it twice/confusing the reader because they’re slightly different.

*”…and very plain {but they get the job done}.” – I feel like that ending takes away from the previous description, so I would cut it.

*”Hey[,] Cal[,]” she says with a smile…”

*”…hate classes and the routine[,] but I’ve never…”

*”Hey[,] Anastasia,” I reply with a {return} smile as…”

*”…big family reunion?” she [asks] with a yawn…”

*”I say with a hint of confusion.” – You seem to do quite a bit of telling the reader instead of showing them, so I thought I’d highlight this part here to help you look out for things you could show instead of tell. You could show his confusion by saying ‘he furrowed his brows’ or ‘a line creased his forehead’. Something like that or even better!

I’m intrigued by the character Anastaria (love her name!) and what happened to her frames. I also like how you give the reader background information with making it boring, good job!

*”…and thankfully[,] she slowed herself down…to health[.] [However, her] wings were damaged.” – So heartbreaking for her!

*”…not irreparable[,] but the development [was] slowed. She would start her training soon[,] but she had…”

*”I suppose she’s like me [and] likes to keep to herself.”

*”…a theory[,] but I know that she’ll never…”

I’m really intrigued by what exactly happened with his brother. He seems to be very put down by him and I’m interested in what happened when Anastaria got involved.

*”…into those eyes[,] I’m almost convinced…”

*”…in danger[,] your perspective changes.” – Wow, I hate his brother so much right now. :(

*”…continue the argument[,] but our old hag…”

*”…she cares that she [fights] me so…”

*”…from my parents [with] the cuts on my hands…then he found [out] about Anastaria…”

His brother is worth than I thought. I feel so much hate towards Tartan’s character and can’t wait to hopefully see some vengeance towards his later in the book!

*”…fighting back[,] otherwise…”

*”For a while[,] it had gotten better, [what] with him…”

*”…in Uaternia[,] which is rich with such mines.” – You have some beautiful names in this piece. That reminds me, I love the title of this piece!

*”…inside the crystal[,] but weak enough that we…only the small traces of magic in our blood streams[.] [We can do this] by touching the crystal.” – It was becoming a run-on sentence.

*”…a second time.” [She] says it all rather quickly, [making it so] my feathered pen only just [catches] it.”

*”…mad attempt to keep up[,] I had…”

*”…needed more ink[,] but…”

I get the impression Anastaria doesn’t want to be a Guardian. I feel like she wants to work with the crystals and that this will leave your main character envying her more later on in the book because if they switched places, there problems would be solved. Also, the teachers fast talking was fun to read about, another thing that made your character more realistic.

*”…she doesn’t mind[,] but I hate that I…”

*”I’m not ‘unintelligent’[,] but I’m just [not] made for these sorts of classes.” – I think you could use a better word choice where I’ve put these ‘ ‘. The current one doesn’t sound right to me.

*”I know what that is ‘but I dare not admit it’.” – Technically, he already has admitted it, so I would cut this or change it to something else. Or you could combine it with the second sentence so it reads “I know what that is[,] but [that’s] impossible now.”

*”…crystal mining[,] we’re released into group work.”

*”…and Anastaria[,] it means talking while doing our work…”

*”By [halfway] through the first page[,] I’m completely lost…”

*”…knowledge[,] I’m able to apply it well…”

*I feel like often during the piece you give away too much information than the reader needs. For example, when you talk about little things he does with his work and he reacts to it, etc. A little of this is wonderful and makes your character more solid, but too much of it starts to sound like an unnecessary information dump, so watch out for that when proof-reading back through this.

*”…forward to it[,]” I say with a smile…”

I loved this switch in him – “My face hardens…” Perfect job at describing what his brother does to him!

*”I know you’re there[,] Tartan[,]” I say.

*”Immediately[,] he steps from the shadows…”

Tartan does not deserve to be a Guardian! Ahh!

*”What’s wrong[,] Calfer?”

*”…little girlfriend.” [He] lets out a laugh…”

The last line was great and left me brimming with hate for his brother. The suspense you put into the ending scene was fantastic!

^I apologise for any formatting errors!

Great job again! :) I can't wait to hear your thoughts on chapter two of 'Uncontrollable'. It was a pleasure to read your work again.