Forgive Me?

Forgive Me?

1 chapter / 2333 words

Approximately 12 minutes to read

Description:

Jaslynn swears she isn't crazy. Her sister visits her every night, just waiting to get her revenge...

Comments(11)

Beach6

almost 5 years ago Danielle Lee said:

That... gave me shivers.

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about 5 years ago Melody C. said:

wow, crazy and engaging!

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about 5 years ago Maia Sowers said:

love it!!! the characters were very relatable and it was very well written! great job!

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about 5 years ago Elaine Harlington said:

I liked this and the characters were very relatable. I'm curious as to whether or not she actually sees her sister or if she really is crazy. Ah well, it was well written and engaging.

Reviews(2)

Background

about 5 years ago Emi B said:

Your first sentence ends in an exclamation point and then you say, in a hushed voice. Choose one. You can yell or whisper.

You tried some foreshadowing or suspense or something at the beginning with the little girl and you achieved the creep factor, but it didn't really hit home. It just wasn't really my favorite part.

You kept saying "I’m not crazy" but no one was saying she was crazy. And it would make sense that a person in an insane asylum would think irrationally about them calling her crazy, but if she is sane, then you should have like a nurse making snarky unhelpful comments or if she is crazy have a bit more inner narration that makes the reader, as it is in first person, feel that they're calling her crazy.

"My turned my head towards her"…you meant something else

Don't use the number 2 in the middle of your story.

You say, mud making it harder to steer and then you have her close her eyes. Like I wouldn't close my eyes until it's out of control, and you didn't give me the sense that it was out of control you gave me the sense that it was hard, but they might get it back under control.

I don't know why, but the flashback in italics was the best part of your story. I don't know if the style was different or what. But it was clear and it just worked better than the rest.

Ok, me, my perfectly, well not perfectly, but normally level of saneness would've B*tch slapped that Doc, but the end of your story. Which means you're writing characters that involve me in the story. Really Great Job.

Remember this is my critique and you asked for it, don't post randomly nasty things back at me because you're angry. Thanks.

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about 5 years ago lizzy k said:

This was really interesting. I really wanted to know if she was actually crazy, or whether her sister was truly coming back. An older sibling myself, I can completely believe that the car crash would drive her insane. There was a few errors I noticed though. You need to capitalize the first letter of your sentences after your dialogue. The first sentence is a good example of that. I thought, and it's up to you how you would choose to remedy this, if you even thought you needed to, that when you're describing her sister, that her “veil of hair,” and then the water “dripping from the tips of her hair ...” Maybe a chance to describe colour, texture, cut, etc? But I like how the blood is “outlining” her jaws. As for when the moonlight is shining through the trees, it needs to be peeked. Peak is like the top of a mountain. Peek is Peek-a-boo. A little ways in, after the mirror drops, you forgot to type a word. “Glass went every.” I do this all the time when I write. Just a good reminder to try and read our work out loud to catch these things. A little tense error when the doctor is giving her the needle. Rising should be raising. As someone else pointed out, during the flashback, 2 should be to. Jumping back, when you have the clock chime three times, I don't think you need to explain that it's three. I do think you need to explain that it's in the morning, because otherwise I would have thought it was afternoon. You need to space out Jaslynn's “You're lying,” and Dr. T's “Jaslynn, she's here to help.” As well as her sisters words earlier in the paragraph. I have a few other thoughts, but these are more personal opinions, then grammar/punctuation/etc rules. I think your dialogue would be freakier without all the exclamation marks . The exclamation marks for when a character is actually shouting the words, not just putting a lot of force/emotion behind them makes it seem spookier. I find exclamation marks also tend to make me read it like it's being shouted. Again, as for impact, I would suggest italicizing only one word per sentence. Or maybe two if it's a long paragraph of dialogue. It just seems to give it more impact. I also thought that “pang of pain” sounded odd to the ear. Sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking or being mean. I'm don't know what you're looking for, and I figured it's always good to get a fresh eye to point out what your own eye glides over. I thought it was a well written piece with a lot of potential. Like I said earlier, I can definitely see this happening. And right up to the end, hell, I'm still not even sure I believe the doctor. I totally wanted to know if she was insane or not. I was expecting that her sister be real, so when she wasn't, it came as a surprise. I did like the sisters interactions when they were in the car. I would have liked to seen it a little bit more fleshed out, given a little more weight in the entire story though. I want to know what happens next though, and like I said, still don't entirely believe she’s crazy. There was that one line while they were watching the security footage, “...making my insanity look beautiful.” I adore this line.