For Victory

For Victory

1 chapter / 1130 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Two teens, taken. A group of guards watching them. A plan being created.

Genres:

Action, Short Story

Comments(22)

Afuckinface

about 5 years ago Sarah Hopkins said:

I think this is a very strong piece, and it held my interest all the way through.

Dress

about 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

really enjoyed this. have to agree with others that after the beginning, the pace began to slow. nothing that can't be fixed with a few edits though. good luck in the contest!

457

about 5 years ago Evaline Age said:

This was a good setting and idea, and I liked your characters and his relationship with John :) Some criticism would be that it didn't feel exciting to me... like you weren't weven excited about the story from the simple sentences in the action scenes. Also, maybe explain why they only take teens, instead of the parents who can't pay the debt. And I just wonder... what farm experiences got him tied in shackles?

Bcn3

about 5 years ago L. L. Violette said:

This is excellent; incredibly intense, very suspenseful. Your descriptions are fabulous. Good job and good luck with the contest!

Reviews(3)

Dscf2832 - copy

about 5 years ago Mosca Mye said:

This had great action and pace. The setting was interesting, as was the concept. There are a few recurring problems which can be easily changed and this will improve the writing quality and flow.

1. The story is mostly in the past tense, but in places it slips into present tense. Examples - in the first paragraph, "I finally see who I had been talking to". It happens again in p/g 9, "my eyes adjust and I open them", and after that.

2. With description, the aim is always to show the reader, rather than telling. The opening paragraphs describe the character's capture, and make it clear that he is held captive, so it's not necessary to use "forcefully" here. In the fourth paragraph, the cell is "weird-looking". Describe how, or if this is not relevant, don't mention it at all. In paragraph 8, maybe describe how the narrator expected John to look versus what he looked like (show not tell).

3. Consistency is important. Don't forget to include little reminders that the action takes place on a boat, perhaps by making reference to the motion or sound of the waves? How were they able to execute the (fairly physically demanding) plan having had so little food - weren't they tired? How did the narrator know he could trust John? Mention these things to bring your story to life.

Was there a word limit on this? It seemed a little restricted and under-developed in parts. There is a good emotional ending, so make the most of this by slowing down the pace, and including more description. You could continue this, or just develop it - how did the rescued teens react? Do they ever find out where they were being taken to?

Lastly, a few stylistic things to consider. In the second p/g, try using italics to distinguish "Whack!". And in p/g 6, after "As morning came...", use brackets for "(or what we assumed was morning...)". This will make the sentence easier to read.

I hope this was helpful!

Noah1

about 5 years ago Erica Cortez said:

Swapping!

First of all, I felt more could have been done in some areas. Show us the "weird" cell instead of just saying it's weird. Help us connect to the characters. Jon was just there, it felt like, but otherwise you did well on the action in this piece.

I liked your concept, however, and your idea for how it started out. Good luck and keep writing! :D