For Victory

For Victory

1 chapter / 1130 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


Two teens, taken. A group of guards watching them. A plan being created.


Action, Short Story



over 5 years ago Hannah Wallace said:

loved it amzing


over 5 years ago Rory Gilmore said:

This was pretty good, it was a bit stilted and confusing in some areas but other than that it was nicely done.


over 5 years ago Not Applicable said:

Not bad...I like the little bit of action you added :) I didn't really 'get' the characters, but the overall story is good.

Pink cupcake

over 5 years ago Audrey July said:

This story definitely has potential, but it fell a little flat for me. I didn't feel connected to the main character. It might have helped if you described more about him, like adding in an anecdote from home.



over 5 years ago Trina Elisabeth said:

I have to say I agree with Ryanne on this one-it just fell flat for me. I’ll explain:


I didn't feel very attached to either John or your MC, mostly because all I knew about them was that they'd been taken from families who're in debt-nothing about their personalities. You say they talked, but nothing of the conversation was included. They didn’t ever really stand out as individuals to me; they were just two random faceless guys who saved a bunch of people, and the fact that they were rebellious didn’t really make up for that.

(I also think you should expand more on why he was able to get out of the shackles. Has he done something like this before? This is probably another detail that would help make your character worth identifying with.)


The way you described the events got your point across, but some of it fell flat, particularly your description of how they'd planned the escape. I almost felt like it wasn't needed, or at least not in that form, told in past tense with hardly any description other than a ‘we did this, and then we did that’ type of thing. Like Ryanne said, kind of like an essay at times.

You also never really explained anything about the villains they’re escaping from (the “masters”/ “these guys”) or why they were able to take so many teenagers whose families are in debt. Are they part of a government, or are they pirates or something? A recognizable villain group/entity would be one thing that would’ve made me more interested, as it would give your story more background and make me want the MCs to defeat them. As it is, you have a faceless antagonist group with no clear motives for their actions.


To be blunt, this story is basically a bunch of action. Short stories usually have a clear point and a change from beginning to end. While you could argue that physically the characters escaped, I didn’t think it really went anywhere otherwise. Your MCs weren’t recognizable enough to leave an impact or to show much development, and it was hard to even be all that glad that they escaped. From my point of view, they were just two random guys. The minimal setting and background info didn’t help much.

This is just what I think, of course. Please don’t be offended; I just hope that some of it helps you to improve, or at least gives you new perspective. :)