Breaking the Concord

Breaking the Concord

1 chapter / 1196 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Lysander discovers his god is false, with Lauretta's help the two will attempt to uncover the Concord's manipulative ways and free their world from oppression.
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This is the beginning of a long novel.
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Cover design by Balance-Sheet on deviantart.com

Comments(70)

Starry

over 5 years ago A.R.L said:

The details in this are astounding! I love your word usage as well. I really hope that you win the contest! Good luck!

Hex4

over 5 years ago Rani Lee said:

"The world has to be bigger than this" I love that line. I also like your details. The thing about the boiling clouds through me off a bit. What does that look like? Other than that, good job :)

Dress

over 5 years ago Becka Paula said:

you have some great writing skills. i enjoyed this piece and appreciated your prose. i hope you come back to this piece after the contest and make it a longer. it is filled with promise.

my only suggestion would be to go back and tweak some of the punctuation. i noticed a few places were you could just have shorter sentences. i think it'll help the piece flow better.

anyway, best of luck in the contest!

Blue_rose_by_twilighter31-d3azd0h

over 5 years ago V.ROSE said:

This was really good. I loved the voice you carried throughout this. Very Amazing. =)

Reviews(12)

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over 5 years ago Tamora Locatelli said:

This has potential. I think it's really cute how you gave him a speech impediment. Every character has a flaw or a challenge they should deal with, no matter what the size. This little disability already turns him into a sweet sort of unsung hero for the story that will become something more. The biggest problem I had with it was how easily Lauretta got him to go with her. Lysander needs more of a reason to randomly follow after this strange girl. I think it would be fine enough if he just keeps working on tasks and she keeps talking. Why do they need to step away anyway? If you keep him working, at the very end you should make him stop and ask that “Where?” question. That would give it more impact because he's interested enough to give her his full attention.

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over 5 years ago arachnidsGrip said:

Walking out of the maize rows(,) he almost ran right into someone.

Hmmm . . . your grammar is outstanding, your punctuation is perfect except for the one instance I have above. I just . . . I have this pet peeve. It's a silly thing, but it's when people have to write a story with a word limit, they just sort of stop off. No real ending, no resolution. Just as if they suddenly realized that they were at their word limit, and stopped in the middle of a larger, overarching thought. I like the storyline, it's really intriguing. I like the suggestions that this fellow, Lysander, has done something bad and almost doesn't regret it. But you never explain or even hint at the nature of what it was. I like the names Lysander and Lauretta. I like the ingenuity behind the crafting of the norms and place names in this universe. I love where this could be going if it were a larger piece. But I think it could have wrapped up much more nicely if you'd spent a bit more time fiddling with the word limit and the ending. Still, a very good story. I suggest you continue it after the contest.

~Esiola

(p.s. I just read the description AFTER my big long rant about how it seems like it should keep going. My bad…..… but I still think that it was a mite inappropriate for the contest just because it is part of a longer novel. It would be a better contest piece of it was a story of its own.)