Breaking the Concord

Breaking the Concord

1 chapter / 1196 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Lysander discovers his god is false, with Lauretta's help the two will attempt to uncover the Concord's manipulative ways and free their world from oppression.
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This is the beginning of a long novel.
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Cover design by Balance-Sheet on deviantart.com

Comments(70)

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over 1 year ago Alexandr Lukin said:

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about 4 years ago Emily Griffin said:

This would be a great introduction for a story.

Reviews(12)

Tardis

over 5 years ago Abby said:

Dystopian writing. Abby approves.

This is great, and I love how you didn't try to cram an entire dystopia/rebellion storyline into the word limit like some other writers I've read in this contest. Instead, you created the beginning of a story, and the beginning is all this story really needs to be. Without it seeming forced, you managed to provide a huge amount of information about the society. The reader is left hanging, but in a good way!

There were a few runon sentences, and "The boiling mass of clouds above only increased the sweltering heat as the day grew short" is kind of a mouthful (though not a runon sentence), but I don't really have many edits. Nice job!

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over 5 years ago Michelle Martire said:

I thought the overall story was very good, and the characters (awesome choice with the name Lysander!) were most definitely interesting. Also, I very much appreciated the cliffy at the end there. They always make things exciting.

There were really no grammatical errors except for a few places where I think there should've been commas, but I don't think that's something to really worry about. The only thing I might suggest, is I think you should just start off the bat with him bumping into Lauretta. That way you can get more in about Concord - I feel like that needs to be explained more so the reader has a better sense of it.

Great job and good luck with the contest! :)