Breaking the Concord

Breaking the Concord

1 chapter / 1196 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read


Lysander discovers his god is false, with Lauretta's help the two will attempt to uncover the Concord's manipulative ways and free their world from oppression.
This is the beginning of a long novel.
Cover design by Balance-Sheet on



over 1 year ago Alexandr Lukin said:

ShowBox program allows you to watch Hollywood movies and Serials too, TV shows which are loved to see you daily, you can explore Showbox app at every moment in every day of your life.


about 4 years ago Emily Griffin said:

This would be a great introduction for a story.



over 5 years ago Abby said:

Dystopian writing. Abby approves.

This is great, and I love how you didn't try to cram an entire dystopia/rebellion storyline into the word limit like some other writers I've read in this contest. Instead, you created the beginning of a story, and the beginning is all this story really needs to be. Without it seeming forced, you managed to provide a huge amount of information about the society. The reader is left hanging, but in a good way!

There were a few runon sentences, and "The boiling mass of clouds above only increased the sweltering heat as the day grew short" is kind of a mouthful (though not a runon sentence), but I don't really have many edits. Nice job!


over 5 years ago Michelle Martire said:

I thought the overall story was very good, and the characters (awesome choice with the name Lysander!) were most definitely interesting. Also, I very much appreciated the cliffy at the end there. They always make things exciting.

There were really no grammatical errors except for a few places where I think there should've been commas, but I don't think that's something to really worry about. The only thing I might suggest, is I think you should just start off the bat with him bumping into Lauretta. That way you can get more in about Concord - I feel like that needs to be explained more so the reader has a better sense of it.

Great job and good luck with the contest! :)