Breaking the Concord

Breaking the Concord

1 chapter / 1196 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

Lysander discovers his god is false, with Lauretta's help the two will attempt to uncover the Concord's manipulative ways and free their world from oppression.
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This is the beginning of a long novel.
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Cover design by Balance-Sheet on deviantart.com

Comments(70)

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over 1 year ago Alexandr Lukin said:

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about 4 years ago Emily Griffin said:

This would be a great introduction for a story.

Reviews(12)

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over 5 years ago Kira Martin said:

“Boiled[,] it could…” “…unfortunately[,]…” “Nothing did for him.” New sentence. “…lose [them] altogether.” It doesn’t sound right for this sentence. “…cool[.] This heat is awful.”

Why is he wanting her to leave? Did he not like her when they were kids? Why is he being so stuttery?

I liked this altogether, but I would’ve liked more reasoning behind the girl coming. There didn’t seem to be much of a plot, instead it seemed more like the beginning of a book. You write well, and you have good voice. Keep at it!

Magic-book

over 5 years ago Catherine Benham said:

I like the concept of this story. It's obvious that you have spent time building up this world and the history of it and, while we don't see much of it, it is easy to feel in the words and reactions of the characters.

The ending is effective and makes me want to know what happens when they head out on their journey, what they might discover and where the corruption lies. I also like these characters, I am curious about Lysander's past and the motivations of Lauretta's rebellious nature.

I only have a few minor suggestions:

"Sighing(,) he forced himself to get back to work..."

"The metal that the valve burned his hands as he tried to turn it..." I think there's either a word missing here or that "that" should be an "of".

I also think that the stuttering dialogue on Lysander's part is not strictly necessary. You could describe his stammering or his insecurity over her questioning. It's just that reading stuttered words can be a little disruptive and is a bit cliched. There are plenty of creative ways to show anxiety.

Best of luck to you in the contest!

Write On and Prosper!

Catherine