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Approximately 6 minutes to read
The Tens don't want them. The Tens don't need them.
about 2 years ago Ellia Roe said:
over 2 years ago R. E. Durbin said:
This is incredible. Superb. Astounding. I could go on and on with the adjectives. Oh, one thing before I really get into this comment. AHEAD MIGHT BRING SPOILERS, SO ANYONE LOOKING FOR SURPRISES SHOULD STOP REDAING THIS NOW. Okay, on with the comments. Please, keep in mind that any cons (things I feel might need flushing out) are only my own opinion and not something set in stone, so feel free to toss them into the virtual rubbish bin. *hands said bin over*
1) I wish you'd gone a little more into detail about Jordan's feelings on being a Nine. You kind of hinted towards it near the end, but I was thinking you could expound even more on it. What has he lost specifically because of this hardship? How bad has his life been? What is life like in the wastelands? Are there higher and lower classes even here?
2) You go into a ton fo detail about the machines and Jordan's dirty state (which is great!), but then you kind of skip on describing Nadia and everyone else. Are there uniforms? Hair styles? The way Nadia walks even. Things like that will only make your story even more amazing.
1)The descriptions in this are so good. I could "see" everything in my mind's eye perfectly. For a brief few moments, I wasn't in my house on my laptop reading a story, I was with Jordan on that airship, anticipating the launch. I was a Nine, trapped in a steampunk world that was suppressed by the Tens. I was smelling the soot in the engine room and watching people scurry to their posts on our airship. *sniffs* And then the chapter ended and I crashed back into reality. WAHHHH!!!
2) I love how 3D your characters all were. Their personalities were so realistic I felt as if they were really right next to me. :D
All in all, a great story. If you ever update it, let me know. I'd read this any day.
almost 3 years ago Justin Coppolino said:
Excellent use of details and imagery to create the scene/setting, perfectly painted a detailed image in the reader's mind. Characterization was very well done, showed insight into the characters mindsets and personalities. This story reminds me of the book Boneshaker, with the steamships heading into the city on a mission. Very well done, would love to see what happens next!
over 3 years ago Mary Kate said:
This is really impressive I like it I really hope you continue although writers block can be a pain.
about 4 years ago Mark Lawrence said:
It is an interesting start to what could be a remarkable story. I would love to read the expanded story and find out what adventures befall our characters as they struggle to gain acceptance.
Keep up the good work.
about 4 years ago anonymous said:
Amazing story! Just a few things you may want to look into:
"just finished the tightening of that..." is passive and awkward to read, it could be "just finished tightening that..."
"He reached out to dim a gas lamp from a raging blaze to a dim flicker" is redundant, and should just be "to a flicker"
"Hours in the steam filled air...." this would actually make his skin moist, perhaps speak about not drinking for hours or an extremely hot/dry climate