Obsidian

Obsidian

6 chapters / 4901 words

Approximately 25 minutes to read

Description:

Nightwood, Pennsylvania. It isn’t the most influential of places, but is still quite the charmer and perfect for Charlotte and Elizabeth Bell’s mother’s small, craft business. The only thing not ‘cute’ about Nightwood is the night club; Obsidian. Only the most elite and influential adults can get in, including the popular crowd at Charlie and Eliza’s new school.
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Drawn to Jacob Blackmoore, Charlie has this growing obsession with the dark beauty. Being one of the only teens in Nightwood High that is allowed into Obsidian, it just makes her interest spark even hotter. But he is off limits, until Charlie ends up stumbling right into the middle of the Blackmoore family secrets.
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On the other hand, Eliza can’t stand the school hottie, Kevin McKnight. His angelic features and dashing smile have charmed pretty much every girl in Nightwood High. But he is totally off limits to everyone, being part of the Obsidian clique, but how has Eliza caught his attention. Now, she’s being pursued by him and she is now tangled up in the McKnight family drama.
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Both sisters have found themselves wrapped up in two different sides of the spectrum. Turns out Nightwood has many secrets just waiting to be unraveled.
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Cover credit goes to TheHalf-Light! She's amazing and I suggest you check her out!

Comments(15)

The vampire diaries

almost 4 years ago Shammi said:

Amazing!! I just love the story plot. You are a very talented writer. You have a gift in you and do use it because its worth more than you think (:

And if possible can you check out my new poem, Love you or Childhood Memories? Thank you (:

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about 5 years ago E.K. Orr said:

Very well done. The descriptions were very vivid and made the story really come to life. I, personally, tend to over use adjectives, but you have a really good balance here. Quite an intriguing story. I read Prologue-2, possibly three, I'm not sure. But I'll definitely finish it! Great job

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about 5 years ago Elaine Harlington said:

I read the prologue and Chapter One. Nice descriptions, the first stranger should have an apostrophe 's, but I didn't see any other typos. I felt like you were borrowing from Twilight when you said the population 757 line, but that was just me. :) I would suggest making your format less uniform, it can distract the reader. Try a big paragraph then a small one, a line and then a small paragraph, maybe a big one. The first chapter they were all relatively the same size. Just small, nitpicky stuff, it was still a good book and I loved your cover.

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about 5 years ago Isadora said:

This story was well written and I love the descriptions you gave, It gave me a more vivid picture of what the people were like. I also love the way you started the story off. Made it really interesting. Artemis scares me btw .___.

Reviews(2)

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about 5 years ago Noelle Alabaster said:

-A review for the prologue/first half of chapter one-

Hi Archie,

I liked the opening part of the book. It was interesting enough to catch my attention and make me wonder what on earth happened. I think you could draw this out a little more, though... it's pretty vague what happened, and although I'm sure that was your intention, I think think it's too vague. Give the reader a little more to go on so they'll want to keep reading.

Chapter 1 introduces the main character right away. Charlie seems to be a fairly typical girl that was dragged away from the city she loved. You spend a lot of time telling us about what happened to Charlie, why she's now living in Nightwood, and how the move happened. That would fine if it wasn't in the very first chapter. A lot of backstory right at the beginning tends to throw a reader off. Right now, all we want to know is more about Charlie. Show, don't tell. Let her actions, thoughts, dialogue, and so forth show the reader what she's like.

I would suggest adding bits and pieces of Charlie's background in at different times throughout the book, so the reader had to keep on reading to understand what really happened to her. For example, someone reading Dark Origins wouldn't know Joy's full story until the second half of the book--I tried to add just enough backstory here and there to keep the reader's interest without telling him/her too much all at once.

Besides that, so far this seems to be good. Here are the typos/rough sentences I found (even though that's not really what the swap was for).

"...around the manicured lawn below and obscuring..." It should be "...around the manicured lawn below, obscuring..."

"I chuckled, rising from..." This sentence is confusing because you keep switching from passive to active verbs. Try something like "I chuckled and rose from the window seat, grabbing my phone from my messy, unmade bed and unlocking it."

The fourth paragraph is somewhat confusing. Try rewording that.

"...that had its charm for anyone, but me." I'd suggest removing the comma.

"I had loved New York..." I think you were going to add more this is sentence, but forgot. It ends suddenly. I also don't know what the Steel City reference is for.

"The Night Club; Obsidian." Yes, you could do that, but I'd suggest having "The night club, Obsidian" or "The night club--Obsidian" instead. The sentence directly after that one is a run-on that you should change.

"...a two-story rancher by the forest and large rooms" It should be "...a two-story rancher with large rooms."

"reading the newspaper, sipping her coffe delicately." Put an 'and' instead of a comma there.

Okay, that's the end for now. I hope this helps you out, and I'm sorry if I'm being too nit-picky for you. I like having the book in Charlie's POV, and I think is very good so far. I'll be back to read more!

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about 5 years ago LuLu Smith said:

I honestly think that this is very good. Your descriptions were seriously beautiful. I thought I might point out a few things that you could look at if you wanted. In the prologue, you say "the stranger did this" a lot. Try changing up the structure of your sentence. Example: Tipping the fedora at the boy, the stranger turned... or something along those lines. In chapter one it says "I swung leapt..." I think you could leave out the swung, as you use it later in the sentence. Also, always try to avoid the MC describing herself. You could instead use a comparison with her sister to give her looks without telling us. For example, when your describing the sister's eyes, you could say "leaf green, just a shade lighter than my own," etc. Other than that, nice job. This has serious potential!