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Approximately 7 minutes to read
An intense case of deja vu, taken to the extreme.
2 months ago Paris Pearl said:
Your writing style is so deep, rich, and beautiful that I could probably live off it if it were food:) Every description simply blows me away. You definitely have a gift, and the expression of ideas within this piece shows that you're putting it to good use!
about 4 years ago Emmy Grace said:
Beautiful descriptions... sucked me in with its powerful imagery....
over 4 years ago Jadon Rienstra said:
I love it good job. I love fantasy/sci fi
about 5 years ago Gabby Paige said:
This is extremely intense. I really would like to read more. I love how you transitioned from the dream into reality.
about 5 years ago dragonlover_samantha said:
~Swap for I Am Also~
First of I really want to thank you for proofreading. I spotted next to no grammar mistakes. Thank you. Honestly, it's quite a relief. I only really have a few tips for you to improve on.
As someone before me mentioned, (especially in the prologue) you tend to have a simple "subject verb" sentence structure which works well in moderation to add emphasis, but you tend to use a bit excessively. It would really be great if you could break up the simple sentences with more complex sentences and also try not to start too many with a subject. Play with compound/complex and fragments. It'll make it much more interesting and less... list-y.
Another thing I noticed is the lack of your character's thoughts and emotion in the first chapter. Then again, this could be intentional because you're trying to portray this as a dream sequence, but I feel that it would definitely be better if you included more emotions and thoughts. For instance, the poor bloke gets beat up a good number of times, but you never really mention the pain that he should (theoretically) feeling, nor do you really touch on his fear and panic that much. Just including more of the character's thoughts would really help the reader feel like they are that character in that moment. Like I mentioned, though, I have a feeling that it's intentional because you do a great job of portraying emotions/thoughts later in the story.
One thing I think you might benefit from is a little more imagery. I have a hard time picturing myself in the scene that you're proposing because I don't have much sensory information to go on. I would love if you could include more descriptions of the setting. First off, where is he? What does the bridge look like? What can he hear? What does the river sound like? What about the traffic? And what about the hospital? What does it look like? Smell like? Sound like? Use similes and metaphors and all those great literary devices. They're important for building a scene that the reader can really picture.
You are doing a fantastic job of building mystery and suspense. Everything surrounding her dreams, and who Thorne is running from is fantastic and it keeps me reading on.
"The man (barely) blinked, but it gave the boy enough time to stagger to his feet and lunge at the man, who threw him off with some unknown force; the boy landed in the middle of the street, who had to scramble to avoid being hit: apparently the drivers still couldn't see him... or his attacker for that matter" ~ Spelling error aside, there's something quite wrong with that sentence. I'm not exactly sure how you want to re-word it, but it certainly needs re-writing.
I love the mystery you've built around everything and I'm looking forward to seeing this grow! Keep up the good work!
about 6 years ago Loanna Mace said:
An intriguing story. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but other than that, nice job.