Holy Dark

Holy Dark

1 chapter / 1200 words

Approximately 6 minutes to read

Description:

[FINALIST IN THE MAGISTERIUM CONTEST]

A Brief Note: Yes, I understand that an Affinity is not when someone is possessed, and I appreciate the comments pointing out the possession confusion. I hope to fix it soon and eliminate any of that confusion, but in the meantime, please refrain from posting such comments on the piece. I am well aware of what an Affinity is, and that it's not when somebody's possessed.

Brynn is the daughter of a pastor, a man who has been preaching his whole life that Affinities are dangerous. Being normal, being equal, is right. It's good. But Brynn doesn't understand why it's simply "good." She believes that there's something more to life than fearing Affinities with her entire being. As it turns out, there is far more than she could ever wrap her mind around, but to learn what it is, she must learn to accept the consequences that come with having an Affinity.

Fantastic cover done by Mira Lamb.

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Comments(132)

The vampire diaries

over 3 years ago Shammi said:

Hey I loved your story and if you get a chance do read some of my writings. The memory and the silence within is a great start! Perhaps leaving a comment? Thank you (:

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about 4 years ago W.C. Philimon said:

That was so good. It was beautiful written and i love everything about it. I love how you start it with " Affinities were supposed to be gone", it foreshadow the ending a little bit. You did a fantastic job!

Equality1

over 4 years ago The Doctor in the TARDIS said:

This was incredible once again. I loved this so much (just like I love everything you write!) the cover was great and your descriptions lured me in. Your imagery was amazing; I felt like I could have been there in the story.

Diet coke

over 4 years ago T.X.Jaine said:

that was so good...i dont even know what to say

Reviews(18)

Whitetiger

about 4 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

I think the starting line, ‘Affinities were supposed to be gone,’ is made weaker by the fact that we don’t know what they are, even if it’s just the normal definition, as in no one had a particular liking for anything anymore. The reason being, in the type of story where affinities can be eliminated, the possibility remains that they aren’t exactly what the reader assumes they are. I think it might be worth throwing a line in there after to explain them. Something like, ‘Affinities were supposed to be gone. As of fifty years ago, people no longer had preferences for particular things. “Eradicated” was the word Papa loved to use.’

Also, to me, ‘loved to use’ almost suggests an excitement in referring to it. As in, her father enjoys talking about it. Dunno if that’s intended.

So I think the part from ‘All the same,’ to ‘then I wondered what they really meant’ gets a little repetitive. Just a little. I think you could cut out a line or combine two or so. Something like

‘It was good to be equal, to be normal. Papa preached that every Sunday morning, promising that it wasn’t just good, but right. God did….’ I guess basically just take out the first line, and start at your second? Because I think the MC questioning the meaning of the words is more powerful the second time you say it, and therefore unnecessary the first time.

‘on everything good and righteous’ some details here would be nice. What is considered good and righteous in this world?

‘they must be feared, then destroyed’ awkward, only because in my head, with this phrasing, I imagine everyone going ‘wait wait wait! We have to fear them first, THEN we can destroy them.’ So maybe replaced ‘then’ with ‘and’

‘Some time ago, however… something was quite wrong with papa’ I think you should either take out ‘some time ago, however’ or change ‘was’ to ‘went’. Overall I actually think this could be phrased better. Something like, “A while ago, I began to notice something wrong with Papa.’

Why does he scare her?

‘effort to please him, [to] make him forget’

‘such an emotion’ = ‘the emotion’

I love how the voice here reflects the age of the character. We know she’s young without you telling us. It's really well done!

‘leaving me among the pews and shivering again’ replace the ‘and’ with a comma. I think it flows better.

‘nearly tripped as I turned around’ tripped isn’t wrong, but I think ‘tripping’ sounds better

‘Papa must have locked it; the golden knob refused to turn’ I think these sentences should be switched.

‘I squealed and rushed backward’ dunno if ‘squealed’ is the right word here. Imagine that happening in your head, sound and all. Doesn’t quite fit to me.

‘he didn’t want me’ very natural thought for a child

‘However, my smile faded. I could feel it melt off my face as the movement returned, groping for the rosary, pulling and tugging on it’ this is a little unclear. What’s the movement? Is there a visible, physical thing pulling the rosary? Or is it just a force, invisible?

Also, since you already said the smile faded, I don’t think the part about it melting off her face is necessary. It’s a nice description, but I think it actually detracts from the moment rather than adds.

‘as the golden cross bounced across the floor’ I’d mention that there’s a golden cross hanging from it earlier

‘But I was wrong’ about what?

‘hadn’t moved again, but when I looked back to my father, he had’ how had he moved? If you mean his quivering lips and what not, those hadn’t happened by the time she looked back. They were happening/about to happen.

‘it was made of blocks of solid color dotted by the occasional bubble projected onto the ground by the light’ I’m having a hard time imagining this. The bubble part. What are they?

Nice ending, but it’s ruined a bit by the fact that I had no idea that that was what an affinity was. I dunno if you were going for that, but I think it would actually make the story better, and the ending better, if we knew ahead of time what they were. Then we’d know what to think about as they were described as terrible.

But as per usual, I love your tension and mystery. Your twists are so enjoyable. I love knowing that one is coming, and trying to guess. Great job!

Sherlockquoteposter

about 4 years ago MadAsAHatter said:

Like mentioned below, this is magnificent:) I'd be repeating myself by telling you how amazing I find your writing, so I'll just cut to the chase with the review now.

Here goes:

I don't exactly know what an Affinity is, actually, so I don't have a problem with your use of the term here

great use of the little girl's voice in here, it really gives you an idea into her thoughts about what her father is preaching

"...they must be feared, [and] then destroyed."

"Some time ago, however... something was quite wrong with Papa." this sentence seems a bit weird because the tense seems to differ in the middle of it a little bit, making it a bit confusing (probably just me being me, so go ahead and ignore this)

"Some time ago..." this paragraph could be made of less sentences (combine a few of the last ones that start with 'he', otherwise it seems repetitve)

"...to please him, [and] make him..."

good imagery as always

the voice towards the end of the story seems a bit older than the beginning, you might want to fix that

oooh, creepy movements groping rosaries!

"...and I wanted - no, needed[ - ]"

she sounds like a little girl, so I doubt she'd be saying 'majestic'

great ending sentence!