That Day in the Subway

That Day in the Subway

2 chapters / 764 words

Approximately 4 minutes to read

Description:

Ever wish you hadn't done something in the heat of the moment? Ever been betrayed? Well, Naima knows how you feel, and she wishes she never went to that subway station...
Read on!
(subway phone contest entry, please heart if liked!!!)

PS: I'm not the greatest writer ever, so plse leave criticism, and tell me if jumps around too much :)
Thanks in adavance :)

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Comments(16)

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over 5 years ago Ann-Marie K. said:

Good story!

Heyheyhey1d!

over 5 years ago Natasa said:

KEEP IT UP!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Tower

over 5 years ago S. E. Cates said:

The ending was pretty intense, but I feel like it was rushed. I think the conversational tone bothered me a bit because of the seriousness of the piece.

Imagesca08xkny

almost 6 years ago Jay Bird said:

Woah!This was a complete suprise! I truely wouldnt have guessed that great work! I honestly loved this piece!:)

Reviews(6)

Inspiring1

over 5 years ago Thea said:

First off, it was very interesting and I like your writing. However in the prologue, when you said "I'm sorry, Dylan!!!", the triple-exclamation marks make it look amateur. And I'm almost positive that if my brother died because I killed him, I would say SO much more than just "I'm sorry". I think you got the right idea, but you should expand on this! Also, starting a novel AFTER she killed her brother isn't a good beginning, and in the first chapter, when you go into this re-cap of what had happened prior to the story was also not a good idea. No offense! The best way to have a good beginning that draws you in, you start at the moment the inciting incident happens. Which in your case would be when she kills her brother. Not after. And I don't really like it when people "re-cap" things at the beginning of the story and give you a biography of what the character is like and what had just happened. I would suggest instead, to write what happens starting with her killing of her brother and subtly describing your character in the midst of it all as well as giving background. Big, long paragraphs like that are usually a bore.

Other than that, I think you did really well! :) keep on writing.

Robot

over 6 years ago T.M.T.U. said:

A strange, slightly paranormal, story. Unfortunately it felt more fake than paranormal. None of the characters emotions felt real. The character's dialogue didn't feel real, and the 'premonition' part WAS to repetitious. The only really interesting part was wondering how the brother knew to call the subway phone, how he could have known that the MC would be standing right there beside it, or about the mother's death. The only part of this mystery that was satisfactorily answered (and way too soon with the MC's absurd premonition) was how the brother knew about the murder. The whys and wherefores of the phone call, remained unsatifactorly incomplete. Keep working on it!

P.S. - Would you read something of mine?