A String of Polished Pearls

A String of Polished Pearls

4 chapters / 3900 words

Approximately 20 minutes to read

Description:

Words are like pearls....the spoken ones are rough and dirty, the written ones are polished and all strung together right after another. Henna has always had trouble with the spoken words, but written words are easy. After a teacher discovers her talent Henna gets help getting into a prestigious prep school, one for the performing arts. Follow her as she flourishes and flounders...and learns that pearls can shine, whether or not they are polished.

Genres:

Writing, Novel

Comments(23)

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almost 4 years ago Abby A said:

This was beautiful! I loved all the words you used they made everything feel realistic. Your portrayed your characters very well please write more!

Obi-wan-kenobi

almost 4 years ago Melinda P. said:

The first chapter is beautiful. It flows very well and evokes such marvelous imagery! This is an excellent start and I'm eager to read more. However, I think I'd like to know a little bit more about why the character is so resistant to going to that school. Why does she want to be mediocre? I think that most writers would jump at a chance to improve their craft. I want to know why she's so different! Overall, well done. Excited for you to continue this!

Manga angel

almost 4 years ago Mary Peters said:

The beginning was amazing and beautiful. It was really poetic and seemed like a soft lullaby but in words. You had a great amount of details and descriptions. Also, the main character is easy to like and understandable. This is definitely unique and flows perfectly. The connections between the main character's life and the basic body function is creative. Great job!

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almost 4 years ago Alexis Duong said:

Your descriptions. Oh my god. Especially at the beginning. It was simply amazing. I love Henna and her timid personality. However, her timidness is a bit overpowering so I feel like maybe you might have to pull back on her resistance to exposing her talents to make the story flow better. Plot wise, this story could be really good and you already have a great start. However, the only thing that irks me is that Henna makes everything a bit overdramatic. I feel like if Henna is being overdramatic over going to a new school, she should expose her reasoning a bit more and make her reasoning less cryptic. (I knew you intended to do that.) Overall, this piece is flawlessly written. Good luck and please update soon!

Reviews(8)

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over 3 years ago Jenni said:

This was a brilliant start to a story! You have a very nice writing style, and your descriptions throughout are lyrical. You have a natural flair for dialogue that improves as the story progresses. However, there are a few things I would change:

~ While your description in the prologue is excellent, there is such a thing as purple prose. The first sentence tells us that she is a writer through-and-through - need you spend a paragraph telling us the same thing through an extended metaphor. I would definitely pare this down to a few sentences.

~ "..that is MY mind..."

~ A couple of times you use the long versions of words (eg. you are rather than you're) This doesn't sound natural, and I would suggest shortening words whenever you can, especially in dialogue.

~ "...already." As..." (Full stop, new sentence)

~ The only other critique I have is a personal one, and so shouldn't have as much weight as the others. I simply cannot wrap my head around someone who doesn't want to succeed. I am an ambitious person - maybe I'm the only one that doesn't get it - but I just don't understand how someone with an obvious gift would turn away an opportunity. For this reason, I don't find the story believable and stops me from liking the protagonist. Sorry.

Other than that, this was good, and has a lot of potential.

Whitetiger

over 3 years ago A.J. Cypher said:

PROLOUGE

‘word processor that is mind wrap around’ – I’m not sure what this part means.

I think that your metaphor in the first paragraph is a little too extended. It gets a bit convoluted after the line that starts ‘Instead the words that form in the word processor…’ I really like the last line of the paragraph though.

‘They take much to long to fully form’ – to = too

I like the idea of the narrator wanting to remain mediocre.

‘nothing less than you’ – did you mean ‘nothing less OF you’?

This is an interesting beginning, but I’m personally wary of prologues, and think they should only be used when necessary. Prologues should reveal important details that help us understand the plot. Details that can’t be worked into the first chapter. Typically they’re used to prevent the necessity of flashbacks in order to explain background, or to hook the reader by providing the main problem/question/whatever of the story straight away.

In this case, I feel like yours just says ‘hey, I’m about to tell you a story.’ Just telling us the story is much more interesting than that.

CHAPTER ONE (I’m doing this too because the prologue was so short)

‘usually I disregard[ed] school assignments’

‘mediocre student[,] here to stay was expectations’ – nice

“on here,” she stared at me = “on here.” She stared at me

“Re-write this,” she handed = “Re-write this.” She handed

Dialogue followed by anything other than a dialogue tag (she said, he exclaimed, etc) should end in a period, and the next line should begin a new sentence.

“…bright girl,” she gave me a smile = “…bright girl.” She gave me a smile. Also, just say ‘She smiled.’ ‘She gave me a smile’ is very passive.

“…fuel the quickest,” it was her turn = “…fuel the quickest.” It was her turn

‘came to me; instead of wanting’ – just make this into separate sentences.

You’ve constructed a very distinct character thus far. Well done.

“Do you need help?” He asked – make ‘he’ lowercase

‘I was naturally so’ – you don’t need this part. It’s implied by the last line. This just makes it repetitive.

‘With a sign I sunk into’ – ‘sign’ = ‘sigh’

‘the warm-up[,] trying to make sense of it’

This is a good beginning. I like it! You have a character that has a lot of potential to grow, and you’ve made her voice – or lack thereof, really – very noticeable. She's quite likable. Nice job :) Good luck!

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