The Hero Chronicles Book 1: The Alliance

The Hero Chronicles Book 1: The Alliance

5 chapters / 11920 words

Approximately about 1 hour to read

Description:

The year is 2393 and aliens have been on Earth for nearly a century now, and have been integrated into human society. Not everyone is so accepting of these beings however, and have initiated attacks in hopes of forcing alien governments to declare Earth not worth the risk. Agent Kelsey Hawthorn, Interplanetary Defense Bureau, discovers that an old friend is being investigated for terrorism. When she goes to talk some sense into him, and find out what's really going on, she comes across a terrible truth about the future of the planet. In order to stop this cataclysmic event, she is forced to align with Zilar Norseman, a hacker her organization arrested years ago, and who broke out of prison. She must turn away from everything she believes in if she is to save her world. If she succeeds, she can never go back. If they fail, it means the end of the human race.

Comments(2)

Governor 5

over 4 years ago Thomas Gabriel said:

I only had time to read the first chapter but i have to say its a very good story so far. I like stories like this, great job and I will soon read the rest.

Win_20150307_185450 (6)

almost 5 years ago N.V. Melody said:

Very unique plot here! I likey :)

Reviews(7)

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almost 5 years ago Madame Minion said:

Swap for: Ballad of the Beast

Ch1: You drop a lot of names (Nick, Guardians, Nicholas, Gwen, Esmeralda) in the very first paragraph. I think you should ease into it more. Focusing on describing immediate setting and thoughts, feelings, etc. would be more of an attention-grabber, I think.

"…tightening them so as [you probably didn't mean to put in the "as" :)] they bit into his skin."

"This was the normal ritual [just have ritual. Or routine.]…"

"He had incurred numerable scars on [from] such trips."

Ch2: So the Guardians are a rebel crew? Down with D.C.? I'm confused. So the medicine, Kelsey feeling that she had forgotten something, etc. was all a dream? I think you should clarify a little more on that. And Felix is adorable!!! And it cooks!!!

I think the plot is going pretty well so far. There's plenty of action. I think you should do less flashback though. Or at least wait until we get farther into the story so that there's more context (setting, situation, characters). Also, more description about the setting and the characters would be good. This is especially important early in the beginning.

Ch3: Intergalactic? Coolness. *ears perk up* I think airport should be capitalized (but I'm not sure. I'm not too great with grammar).

Who is the newcomer (who wears a headband. Lol, I can't take him seriously) The transition from her flashback ("There was the sound of huge reverberating footsteps (nice description btw)…and she slipped away from the world.") to the attempted locker room rape was a little too abrupt. Make sure that it's clear that she's coming out of her flashback.

Remember to show not tell. And let us in Kelsey's head more. You have great external descriptions but you don't have what she's thinking so I'm in the dark about her personality. You have a good plotline going. It's at a good pace, not too fast and not too slow. Good job so far.

543134-killua_as_a_child

almost 5 years ago Rex Eynon said:

hey!! only read up to chapter 3, will get to the rest at a later time. the story is great, i like the idea behind it. you show the details very well, and the story progressed nicely.

there where a few moments when i got a little confused, so had to read through once or twice. first was in chapter 1, when the action-y sort of stuff happens. a got lost quite quickly, up until they entered the car. the second occurred within the dream. i got a little lost half-way through, then even more-so when she attacked her alarm clock. (reading through again, i figured it out to be a dream).

the term 'show dont tell' comes up quite often on this site. i didnt understand it myself until recently. have a read through this web-page, it should help lots!! http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/

all in all great work, and i look forwards to seeing how this story develops :)