The Last Battle

The Last Battle

1 chapter / 1456 words

Approximately 7 minutes to read

Description:

*DARKSTAR FINALIST* Something isn't right... The cities energy is bign sucked somewhere... It has to be the final Bitter Enemy attack. The last battle that will Scar Kyra for life.
*A short story relating to Miracle Avengers*

Comments(40)

Ayesha 1

9 months ago Ayesha Binte Islam said:

Great story!

Singing violinist

over 4 years ago Singing violinist said:

not sure if this is based on madoka magica or just a really good book

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almost 5 years ago K.D. Hailey said:

I don't know ... what was I thinking? XD

Kittypryde3

almost 5 years ago Bridget Gillman said:

Good job, but, umm... How is that a play or a screenplay?

Reviews(10)

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almost 5 years ago Yumi Okazaki said:

In truth, this kind of story is not really my specifics. But I will try to critique anyhow. Well, for starters, I think that you need to sharpen this story. Your tenses are off and you have missing words here and there. And sometimes you're very repetitive or redundant. The plot is good though but I found myself getting bored somewhere in the middle. But the ending was very good. The kind of tragic that really can't be avoided when there's a battle involved.

The dragon mark

almost 5 years ago MidoriKawa said:

First, great idea, and good job. I wanted to point out a couple of things, though.

One, and you probably know this, but you're over the word limit. Find unnecessary sentences or words that are redundant and get rid of them. One redundant thing is that one of your characters says ". . . go ahead and go . . ." You probably can just get away with "go ahead." Also, "cross legged" is actually "cross-legged."

Two, with dialogue, you keep ending it with an end mark. It's fine as long as you're not announcing the speaker right after. An example of what I mean: "It's all over," he said, defeated. "I can't believe it's all over." If you end with with an exclamation point, that's fine, but don't capitalize the next word unless it's a title or name. Like: "Get out of my way!" she shrieked.

Three, you use the wrong homonym consistently. "Than" is used for comparisons, like "The carpet was bluer than she had expected." The word you're looking for is "then." "He lunged first, and then darted to the other side of the room."

Those were the major things. You have a missing word here, a missing comma there, but nothing major. Just typos, honestly; and who doesn't do that? You keep to your tense well, no complaints there, and you made a depressing ending. No, it's far from bad. I just had to say something about there being a depressing ending.

Good luck in the contest!