1 chapter / 378 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read


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over 4 years ago Marina Harper said:

This is nice!!! I really like this, it was powerfully written, and very nice. A few errors, like you said me instead of my at one point, but other than that, it's great. I really like this! Good job!


about 5 years ago Jason Bircea said:

The analogy with the rubber wall was brilliant.

One thing that really irritated me was the exclamation points. In writing, try not to use them. at all. They are a cheap way to create emotion or urgency. If you craft your sentences well, you won't need exclamation points to convey emotion.

I really enjoyed the first paragraph, but the rest felt like a rant(as others have said).

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about 5 years ago Ryann Ravenwood said:

This was amazing! I loved how you worded everything. I loved your writing, the emotion, the concept, etc. I would advise you to reproach your pieces before publishing them, but only because of some grammar errors. Other than that minor problem, this piece was perfection! Brava!


about 5 years ago N.F. Porter said:

I liked this concept a lot, but make sure you go back and fix a couple of the technical errors (Commas, etc.) If it's supposed to be a letter, it may be beneficial do a "Dear..." and a closing remark.



over 4 years ago Alyka M Madden said:

This is very simple, but at the same time you are so in her head that it seems so much more. :D

The stream-of-consciousness is really good and though I didn't get the full back story, I can still understand how she feels. :D

You portrayed everything really well and I just loved it. :D

GOOD JOB! TOODLES! (Yeah, I just read this 'cause I'm stalking your stories. :D )

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about 5 years ago Wenzday said:

This was powerful, but a little angsty for my taste. While we as writers understand that emotion can be packed into a piece, we have to understand that we can pack it in tastefully. Mostly, there was taste. There was hook that kept me going. There was a fight that was being illustrated. However, while you were screaming for the sake of being heard, which I commend you on, you have to still get your message across. Remember to show, not tell, even though telling can be beautiful at some points. Use your words to a paint a powerful picture, not make the reader feel guilty and weak. You want us to side with you, not to feel as if you are pointing fingers. While you can make us feel your pain, you have to careful to distinguish the subject you are writing to and the people who are reading, otherwise it becomes uncomfortable for us. Mostly, I felt this piece needed polishing, but I think that with the right word choices and thoughts pressed into this, it could be a great message to humanity and society in general.