2 chapters / 4143 words

Approximately 21 minutes to read


Three teenagers find themselves fighting against something other than their past, something with a very long tongue.



almost 5 years ago Lorelle Shorten said:

This is so good! The imagery in the first few sentences alone are brilliant! I love the plot too, and the characters. I like the way it's written, and I like your writing style. This is great :)


almost 5 years ago Kayy said:

I loved the first line so much, it really pulled me in. I really liked this! It was unique and original. Excellent work!


about 5 years ago Janae Elizabeth said:

*For the Swap* Ok this was great. Your writing style sucked me right in. I loved your descriptions. Comparing the blood to the taste of loneliness. Pure genius. I was only going to read a bit because of time but I found myself gobbling up every sentence.


about 5 years ago Molly McIlvar said:

This is very well done. I liked the fact she found the crunch of the sand reassuring, and the natural inclusion of Savannah's heritage fitted in very well. Well done!



about 5 years ago Eloquence said:

Most of your grammar errors have been pointed out so I'll just move on to content. It has a strong opening but perhaps the flashbacks could be told in past tense? It's a very interesting concept, but I think it needs a little fleshing out. Add some more details here and there. More thought process from the main character. It read rather quickly to be honest. Great concept though!


about 5 years ago Roogle said:

For Swap:

You're idea was fantastic (love how it fits in with title, considering I didn't understand at first). I really love how your incorporation of reality and flashbacks. What I especially loved was how you managed to incorporate Savannah's Native American heritage without having it become to boring, overwhelming, or repetitive.

You did a good job in starting the media res. It did well in holding my attention. I want to point out though that in the first paragraph, the word blood becomes pretty repetitive. Sorry, but that's just one of my personal pet peeves of mine. The thesaurus is like my friggin' best friends. Anyway, moving on, the tension you displayed with Savannah and her parents was great. However, had that been my parents, I would've gotten the shit beat out of me.

OMG, when I found out her ex was a demon, I was like, ":O!!! HOLY SHIT!"

So, onto the nitpicky grammar stuff.

Sometimes, you have commas where really there should be periods. It's okay to have short sentences. It's a part of natural dialogue. Again, might be another pet peeve of mind and may not be a real grammar issure.... I'm not entirely sure.

"My sister weighs fifty pounds, but I've never felt lighter in my life." I've, shouldn't it be changed to she's?

"Dylan cocks his head to the right slightly in surprise but know a good fight is about to occur." I definitely think you can out anything after surprise. Gives too much away, ya know?

"I hurl the knife at him, which catches him off guard. I see the blade graze his cheek as he sidesteps the attack. Sea green liquid drips from his wound. By the time he has recovered, I’m already running up the side of the arch, pulling myself up on my hands and knees. I roll onto the flat top, coughing hysterically; gripping what may be a broken rib. Dylan takes his sweet time walking towards me."

This paragraph just confuses me. I understand that Dylan gets scratch by the knife but how does Savannah get hurt? Am I missing something here?

So, the final part, my questions.

The end, as much as I enjoyed the story, was a little too cheesy too me. Or really... it doesn't give me enough info. What's going to happen next? Where is she gonna go? Why did Savannah even runaway in the first place when all she had to do was kill Dylan (inconspicuously of course) and go back to life as normal? And my last question, will you continue this? Because I sure as hell enjoyed the story. And I'm pretty sure everyone else did too.

Well anyway, happy writing!