1 chapter / 451 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read


500 word limit
HEART, if you think it deserves it
Cover credits: Linn Kirchhof


Writing, Short Story
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14 days ago Sugar Mama said:

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4 months ago WingsofAnEagle said:

Very well done, great job!


over 1 year ago Alexandr Lukin said:

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almost 4 years ago Mike said:

Good job,I like it


Maskman19 (l)

over 4 years ago Tem D'Mindu said:

Oh, I remember this one.

"Confident wouldn't begin..." - no, it wouldn't, at all, if she's feeling physically unwell because of it.

'that only exist' - should be 'exists'. (I'd drop 'real' and ' only' from that sentence too - they don't add anything, and calling an abusive world the 'real' one feels too cynical somehow, instead of being just cynical enough.)

"They think..." is that you or her talking? That sort of whispering is meant to be heard.

"Every nasty look as they take a glance" - "Every nasty glance they take". (It's a little long.)

"held low" should have a comma after it.

They still do 'kick me' signs in high school? That's more of a middle school thing.

I'd give 'Terrorist' its own line break, to let it sink in.

"I took a step back until my back was against..." - "I stepped back into" (To avoid using that word twice.)

'an accepting atmosphere and the cruelty of the outside world' - 'acceptance and cruelty'.

'schoolmates' shouldn't have an apostrophe, in the last paragraph.

...Is there some wordplay behind 'leaf' that I'm not getting?

The message is solid (for once, in this contest), and she even 'moves forward' in every sense too.

I think I would've been fine with the leaves being a metaphor for passing fads and such, rather than something for her to contrast against. Leaves fall and die and are reborn only to fall and die again, but the tree lives on - and her resolution/determination is more like that tree than a leaf, I thought.

Hope this helps. Good luck!


over 4 years ago Melonie Zappa said:

Answering your swap request! :) Interesting comparison. Exceptional imagery. :) Hearted! :D In return could you read my latest true-story "A Life Not Lost"? Just click on my profile. :) Peace!