Comments(23)

217-jackie-chan

almost 5 years ago Free reading for u! <3 said:

ok so i will tell you what i liked and what i think can be improved upon. I like the overall idea of this. The suddenness of the murder and that wicked twist at the end. Definitely a fun one.I like the flow and choppiness of the story and i like the dialogue. What i thought could be better: You just told everything in the story. i wasn't able to get into the story because you didn't pull me in and let me be in the moment. the characters were kind of weak. i didn't know anything about them, so i was not connected to them and i didn't mind or care who was going to get murdered. you want your reader to feel like they are in the story and if you can make them care for your characters then you can string them along through the entire story. So work on your details and scene setting because that is what will make a story. now don't get me wrong, i am not saying that i hate this story, i actually like the idea of it and the plot, those were excellent. i just think that improvements need to be made. but other than those i think you would be all set with a bone chilling thriller. keep writing! :)

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almost 5 years ago TNewc said:

This is so good! I love the humor in it and I love Katarina's personality. You have some very different ideas and they always seem to grab my attention!

Doll32

almost 5 years ago Rianne Seraphine said:

I totally imagined Sebastian as the Black Butler character 0.0 It made the story sort of awkward...

But anyways, it was well written, if not a bit random at times but at the same time it made me question my so called 'sanity'.

How I could just tell my best friend that I want to commit a murder.

173558

almost 5 years ago Juliet Hurwitz said:

CREEPY!!!!!! And how old are these kids??? Seventeen? Crazy crazy crazy. Awesome anyways.

Reviews(7)

Mqdefault

almost 5 years ago Jessica A. Critiquer said:

You're good at what you do. You scored on the horror aspect and it was written pretty well. I thoroughly enjoyed Sebastian's character for some odd reason, too. :)

Now, a lot of the reviews already cover what I would have said. Some parts, despite everything, were surreal and implausible, giving me the impression that you added them in simply because you wanted a plot point to stand out. They could've be displayed better; it was obvious when you switched Katarina's personality and morals at the end, for example. If you wanted her to kill him, you could have expressed that more believably. What if she was forced to defend herself, instead and accidentally killed him? Be creative!

Love the concept, though. Haven't forgotten why I followed you. :)

Keep at it,

-What'sHerFace

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almost 5 years ago Becca H. said:

Overall:

- A bit tell-y. - Beginning is a little startling, brings us right into the conflict.

More Specifically:

Very creepy idea. I shivered more than a couple times just thinking about what I would do if my best friend suddenly decided to be a serial killer, or go all psychotic on me. The characters in Betrayal were very interesting, which is rather unfortunate because of the shortness of this story!

However, Betrayal can be a bit tell-y. What I mean by this, is that it doesn't seem so much from the main character's point of view, as kind of detached from the main character. There seems to be a lot of action, but not as much feeling into the words as there could be. I'm not sure how to explain this best, but I hope you understand the point I'm trying to get across. The reader should be put into the place of your main character, in this case, K. There were some readers who didn't understand why K would kill her best friend - putting the reader into K's mindset will have them rooting for her to the very end, and only after the story is done realizing what she did wrong.

Also, Betrayal brings the readers right into the conflict from the very beginning, without really introducing the characters first. I can understand why if this is meant to be a short story, but even then, maybe a little tidbit at the beginning more about the characters would help. This adds to the "tell-y" aspect of the story. We are told that it is against Sebastian's character to say such things as he does, but how can the readers know for sure if they do not know much about him in the first place? Also, the part with him kind of going crazy seems a bit startling because it seems as if he jolts from being normal if not slightly weird to psychotic, with no in between, really.

All in all though, very interesting. There are just a couple things to work out! Nice work! This is for a swap (since you posted on my wall C:), and you can read any of my stories under 10 mins.