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6 months ago Emily Dawn said:

Hey, sorry I'm a little late on writing this! Anyway, I loved every bit of the story. I've read the prologue and the first two chapters. I thought it was great and I'm definitely going to read more very soon. These are the reasons I liked it: 1. I love how descriptive it was. It is very important to be descriptive when writing else you don't have enough detail. 2. I love the characters names. It is also very important to have great names. The names are essential. You need the right names or the story is ruined. Like if it's a story in the 1900s you should use Arnott or Emmett. Something old to suit the century. If your writing a story nowadays you might use Amy or Ben. Or a name that means the story's title. Like if you have a book called 'Fernando the brave.' (MY STORY.) Fernando means Brave. Do you get what I'm saying? Anyway I though the names you gave the characters were really well. I actually really like the name Faye.

What I thought needed changing. 1. You shouldn't use descriptive words all the time because when you do it become less flowing and more jumbled. You know what I mean? Anyway, this is just my opinion.

Overall I thought it was an amazing story and you are such a gifted and talented person. I can totally see this story as a book one day. 'The city's whispers' by Nicolette Christiansen. I can so see it sitting in my room labelled 'MY FAVOURITE BOOK.'

keep up the amazing writing. Thank you so much.

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6 months ago Hells Night said:

It's really good. I love it.

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11 months ago Unknown said:

Hey,

I liked the feel of confidence in your writing, it had pace, there was nothing incongruous. The characters traits are already starting to come through :) Very visual, I could see it as a film. Keep writing :)

Unknown ;)

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12 months ago Roanoke Wilde said:

Oops, sorry. I actually meant to do that, but I was in a hurry. Hehe! Again, great job!

Reviews(76)

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4 months ago wxnderlust said:

Review for The City's Whispers by Nicolette Christiansen

So the premise seems interesting! I like the way it started off with two children, excitable and ready for adventure. There were a few thing I spotted that I felt could be changed, however these are purely my opinions and suggestions.

I feel like the writing in the prologue, the thoughts and such, is too advanced for an eleven year old? Since it's from the first person point of view, it's harder to paint that imagery with an eleven year old but instances such as when Faye is looking at Troy and the way his golden hair goes with his fair complexion, those are things regular eleven year olds wouldn't really think about, so when I'm reading it, I don't really envision a small girl.

Another thing I wanted to point out is a bit toward the end, where you mention Faye thinking to herself, "nobody would ever adopt a freak eleven year old with red hair." I understand that maybe you did this so as to introduce the fact that your protagonist has red hair (high five! So does mine!) but I felt like it could be worded differently to make it transition into the story smoothly, like maybe expand on how she's the only ginger there and maybe that's why she feels like she's not being adopted. It would be a very eleven year old way of thinking. I see that you've added flashbacks after this but a rephrasing might still help it flow smoothly.

Apart from what I mentioned above, I see nothing wrong with your prologue! I'm pretty excited to see whether the two will meet up again in the future and under what circumstances. Paranormal romance is right up my alley so I look forward to reading more of your story! Great work so far. :)

▷ wxnderlust

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6 months ago Charming Quill said:

Prologue-

“Even the kids here hate me.” Hate should be hated since you’re using past tense.

“…swirling ball of anxiousness…” I think replacing anxiousness with anxiety would sound a lot better.

Chapter 1-

“…because I was off again in one of my dreams again.” I think you used the word again once too many times here. I’d cut one of them out and leave the other.

Chapter 2-

“When I went…Troy and I used to be.” This is a weird paragraph. It starts talking about the kids and how they inevitably fight, but then it just ends abruptly. There’s no transition into the next section of the story or reason why you just call out Peter and Ryan and not the other kids. It seems like you started the paragraph and stopped about halfway through. I’d suggest either filling it out with descriptions of the other kids, or cut the paragraph and focus more on Faye suppressing her emotions.

The breaks in the paragraphs made sense in the last chapter, since it’s her jumping back and forth between dreams and reality, but here they make no sense. Breaks are used for change of character perspective, the passage of time, or a change in location. It seems like this chapter has them for no reason other than to match the same structure as the other chapter. Here, they’re confusing and break the flow of the story. I’d suggest having no breaks in this chapter, or having only the one between the time she gathers the kids and the fire is put out. That would make more sense.

Another thing, I feel like Ace’s dialogue is a little too formal for his type. Maybe that’s just me, but I just couldn’t get a feel for him as a character. I’d suggest reading his dialogue and actions out loud to see if they make sense.

Overall:

The story was very intriguing. It kept me hooked throughout all three chapters. I wondered where Troy was this whole time and who the parents that took him were and why they took him. In the next couple of chapters, it was definitely the dreams and the fire that kept me invested. Great job with keeping up the mystery and the suspense without revealing everything.

Character wise, Faye is pretty good, but I feel like she’s missing something. In the prologue, she’s emotional and quirky and really fleshed out. After the prologue, she seems a little less fleshed out. I think it’s either because she seems a bit too perfect (not enough flaws), or it’s because other than the kids and Troy, there’s nothing to her. I’d suggest really taking a look at her character and how you can show her personality throughout the story a bit more.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read. Maybe sometime in the future I might come back to read some more. Hope this review helps!