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Approximately 2 minutes to read
there maybe a lot of details, and i will write a longer story in the future. hopefully that will make more sense than the shortened version.
about 4 years ago Jordan Fuller said:
a tad confusing
about 4 years ago Baby Panda said:
I thought that you did a really good job with the idea, but I agree with Jules as well, its a lot of informatioon in this one sitting, it will be wonderful when you expand on the storyline and add more things. But I really did like it.
about 4 years ago Caylin said:
I agree with Jules Anne Ironside where you need to show not say and I know that's hard to do with only 500 words but I think it would really enhance the story. Also I would definitely do different paragraphs. Your beginning was really good and captivating but I would make it smoother toward the end because you do kind of lose your story line. I do however like the idea, I feel like you could really expand on this idea if you wanted to and it has a lot of potential. I would maybe make another copy and expanded it but that's my opinion. Good luck with the contest!!
about 4 years ago J.A. Ironside said:
This is an interesting idea. You lost the sense of your story a bit in the way you told it. Try a couple of the following for the future;
1) make paragraphs - blocks of text are hard to read.
2)Show don't tell - let us into your character's head. This means you don't have to make every sentence a compound sentence. Its a story not an essay. For example instead of the way you put it try something like this; 'Was that a sound at my window? I went over and opened it. A long lean shape lounged on the tree branch outside. "What are you doing here?" I cried in surprise. "You intrigued me,"'. I'm sure you can put it better, but this brings us closer to the character.
3) Don't information dump. Drip feed morsels of information into your prose. Just enough to keep us wanting more. For example you might mention one or two details of your characters appearance or origins in the first couple of sentences. Hint that she may be from another planet right at the start. At the moment you've got all the information crammed in at the end. Spread it around a little. I'd love to see more if you decide to write more. It was an interesting idea.
about 4 years ago Philip Pohlman said:
I like your setting, but I think you can improve on quite a few things. First what you have written so far portrays your main character as being pretty bland. Make him or her interesting, that is another thing, is it a boy or a girl, or neither? Also show the story, don't tell it. This means you will have to make it longer. If you are limited to 500, the delete the unimportant parts, such as most of the beginning. Describe, describe, describe please, what does the MC see, hear, or smell? I don't want to see this story go to waste, so do these things, and you will have people begging for more.
about 4 years ago Uln'hyrr Ar'ndengina said:
Amazing. Just try to blend in the sentences and expand it! Thats the biggest thing is expand it. Also dont just come right out and jump into this is this this is that. Try to blend it in a little more, make it transition smoother into those parts. It draws them in so much more.