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Approximately about 2 hours to read
He left and everything was fine. He came back…and everything changed.
If you read Excerpt from Repeat and liked it, please read this!
about 4 years ago sydthekid said:
The first part just reeled me in!This was well written and I liked it!
about 4 years ago Lee said:
You got me hooked! I can't wait to read more about Kyri! :D
about 4 years ago Jenny Marie said:
I could relate to this so far as in the loss of my parent. I lost my mother last January to ALS and this first chapter really got me. I'm actually going to read the rest of this soon. I love it so far. Great job :')
over 2 years ago Catherine Nevin said:
I read the first couple chapters of this trying to get a better understanding of what was going on. I was very confused by the first couple scenes and events that happened. I agree with Emily that you don't need the prologue, and the cliché ending to it was just a little much. First of all, how is she driving at 15? Where does this take place? Also, I think you should change, “That was fifteen” to something else. You wrap up the whole grief and funeral thing pretty well, but your time line seems a little jumbled. So the story begins in the middle of her freshman year? That's about January. Four days later is the funeral, then two months later takes us up to March or maybe even April depending on when it really started. Then we jump to New Year's. This seems like a big jump. Esspecially since the first scene isn't even Kyri explaining what's been going on, it's just Brandon and her in the park.
That's another thing, I think you need to give more background on him. What was he doing when Kyri was at the funeral? Did he ever stop with her friends? I know you mention him in the prologue, but we don't know anything about who he is. But now that I've read a little bit further I'm even more confused. You say her life changed in the middle of her freshman year, yet a few paragraphs later you say that she lost her mom 2 months before the incident which would put her mothers death in November. Where does this take place? November usually isn't the middle of the school year.
Also, your dialogue doesn't always sound like something someone would say. The line, “I will have you dammit!” just doesn't sound like a person talking. Also, there are a lot of veins in your neck, including your carotid artery which when hit will cause you to bleed out in 30 seconds.
Okay, this does need a lot of work, but it's more to help the background more than the story itself. I like where it's going, but you need to work on the beginning a lot more. Make it clearer what's going on, and who everyone is, and just spend time on the little things. They can make a big difference in stories like this. Keep writing!
about 4 years ago Emily Kathleen Stamm said:
I only read the first chapter for a swap. I think you have a really great start to your novel here, but I have a few suggestions for you.
The prologue is completely unnecessary. Just move that up to be the beginning of the first chapter. I don't see any reason to have it separate.
The part about her getting herself to the hospital confused me. She's supposed to be fifteen, right? Does she take a bus? Why didn't anyone come pick her up at school? I feel like her father, or another adult relative, would be there for her at that time.
The dialogue when she's with her attacker feels a little stiff to me. You do a great job of making that scene very tense, but try to loosen up the conversation a little and make it sound like people actually speak. People rarely flat out state their reasons for doing something, try to have them show it through other words and actions. This might work best if we had a scene or two between them before this one.
I think you have a really great start here, and you have a lot to work with. I really like your style, I can tell that there's a lot of passion behind your writing! Keep it up, and good luck!