Like It's Your Last Day

Like It's Your Last Day

5 chapters / 3304 words

Approximately 17 minutes to read

Description:

Five children met on the playground and since then have inseparable. Until the summer between 10th and 11th grade, where brick by brick things fall apart..well they be able to remain friends until the following school year ?

Genres:

Drama, Romance, Novel

Comments(6)

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almost 5 years ago Cyprus said:

I liked the descriptions that you provided although I feel as though you went over the top some of the time. One other comment I have is that in your description you put "...brick but brick..." I'm assuming that you meant brick BY brick?

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almost 5 years ago noam said:

awsome !!!! mica you are amazing i love you sososo mach haha my love

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almost 5 years ago SK said:

Hello and sorry for replying late to our swap deal. I'm only reading short pieces 2 - 3 minutes long so I just read the first chapter of this lovely piece :) First- some suggestions that "where" loose --> "were" kissed [my] cheeks with a "golden flush" --> this confused me a little because I wasn't quite sure what was flushed and golden... a thousand "time" --> "times" There were also some capitalization corrections here and there but overall the grammar etc. was good. Anyways- cute piece and the first chapter was an excellent way to hook the reader :)

Despicsinger

almost 5 years ago CNRain said:

First page was super. It gets the readers in the mood for some drama and romance. Also made me laugh a couple of times. ^_^ Really interesting novel.

Reviews(4)

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almost 5 years ago C said:

I like the story so far, the chapters are short and easy to read and the characters all have unique characteristics and mannerisms, which is a good thing because I never get confused with which is which! This is a refreshing read, since I usually read fast-paced, plot-heavy stories! Also, I liked that whole Scooby Doo conversation – loved that part!

On to the Concrit:

My main concrit is that the prologue is too...flowery? The character is describing herself and it's a bit weird in first person. Eg. "The sun glistened off the copper strands of hair that were loose from my braid" sounds weird coming from Abbey herself. Those kinds of descriptions would be better suited in a third person narrative. You can try and take advantage of the first person narrative by trying to convey and explain the feelings of the characters to the readers instead, so maybe focus more on what she's feeling at that exact moment? That feeling of peace, contentment, the feeling that she wants time to stop because it's so perfect etc

Also, the dialogue that the characters say and the verbs that you're using are slightly off eg. "...I'm not getting any browner." Isabelle –barked-. That's an emotive word that carries negative connotation, so is Isabelle actually angry here, or is she just mock-chiding her friends? It'd be great if you can show her face as well – did she roll her eyes afterwards or was she frowning etc.

As for the dialogue itself, try not to type chat speak eg. "OMG". If Izzy is actually saying "OMG", I think you should write 'ohemgee' instead. "Yay!" is enough, I think – you don't have to write – "YAYAYAYAYAYAY!" because that also looks out of place, even if it is in Izzy's character to talk like that.

Finally, you should probably write the story in Word first because sometimes the 'I' is not capitalised and there are some spelling mistakes, however they don't hinder communication.

Anyway, nice story! Keep up the good work!

-Charlene

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almost 5 years ago Claire Elizabeth said:

In your first sentence, I would say it would sound better if you put a "maybe" or "perhaps" before "that's why were attracted to it like bees to sweet honey" Oh, and you forgot a period.

I love the paragraph where Taylor tells Maddie he's entitled to be in her story.

You probably need to capitalize "mister cuddles" to Mister Cuddles. Instead of putting quotes around "friends" you should make it to 'friends' instead. "Ya sure i'll drive" to "Yeah, sure, I'll drive." "And then there were 4" to "And then there were four..." Besides a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, I liked Chapter 1!

I hope you wanted critique because if you didn't... sorry.

On to Chapter 2! In the first paragraph, the sentence about Kat's hair. That made no sense to me. I must not know about hairstyles, but still.

Typo: "Tool a while to realize" to "Took a while to realize"

And many times you don't put punctuation where needed before the quotation ends. There easy to spot, so I won't point them all out.

Aww... That's so sad. How Kat likes Matt, but Abby's loved Matt forever and stuff and just... aww.

"Am I Scooby?" Hilarious! Haha loved that part.

Chapter 3!

"Ya" to "Yeah" again. I'm not sure if that's correct or not, but "yeah" looks and sounds better to me.

Next, there are a couple more typos.

"Go do boring couple stuff." Brilliant. Haha.

Oh, gosh. Tempting new love interest enters. Plot twist! And, curse word, it ends. Can't wait to read more. Even though this is not really my favorite genre/style of lit., I enjoyed reading it. Well done! With a good proofreading session, this could be perfect! :D