1 chapter / 500 words

Approximately 3 minutes to read


*Entry for the Seventeen Contest* Cover done by Erie Rose. (500 word limit) After going to a party, Sarah encounters her brother's friend and winds up being sexually assaulted.

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Photo on 2-13-17 at 8.23 pm

5 months ago Max Baumeister said:


This is a critique- and meant only to be beneficial!. Please understand that my only intent is to help improve your writing! (By reading your work, it also helps me).

To begin, I only review stories that I know the author will be willing to take my advice into consideration, and most importantly- that there is a lot of positive items to say about- skill. In addition, I try to write critiques on short stories because the author is able to easily see and correct their mistakes.


I am a little hesitant to write a review because you have so much attention from other readers and I am afraid you will not listen to my suggestions. i highly suggest you take this seriously.

it had great form, and it had a wonderful flow. The story was very good, and the narrow paragraphs and dialogue was used extremely effectively. i thought this was all wonderfully done.

My Favorite lines:

“The lights were dim and the clash of musky cologne and cheap alcohol sank heavily through the crowd.” Wow! Wonderful description and I can picture it. Everybody knows the feeling of cheap alcohol and not only is it a wonderful description but you relate to audience really well. I thought this was wonderful!

“The world around her rocked and was reduced to nothing but shards of memories.” Another great line. The description is stellar, and you made this line work extremely well. Your vivd descriptions make this piece very interesting. It is also somber and love that.

Another item you diid very well is including sexuality. Although, I realize in this scenario is not a pleasant one- still sex sells and I have had to include romance in the books I have published because sex sells. People relate and are infatuated by the idea of sex. However, regardless of the sexual nature in this story- people can relate to your situation. This is awesome!!

Suggestions? Short stories are very difficult to write. Why? Every sentence has to have a very direct point. Although, i think you did this fairly well: a story includes a beginning, middle and end. I felt you had a very strong beginning, however, the middle and end were a bit confusing. I had read it several times.

I think you should insert a couple more paragraphs- nothing major- to ensure the reader understands exactly what is happening. The transition between the beginning, middle, and end is not exactly well established. (I find I have problems with this too). However, I think you can easily correct this.

You are extremely elegant but I felt like the beginning should be more explanatory. Although, I feel ambiguity makes writing extremely valuable, I do not think you intentionally created this ambiguity and it reads slightly off. Lastly, It is almost as if you were unsure how to the story and decided upon what you have.

Overall- it was an excellent read. You obviously have talent! I really enjoyed this story and look forward to reading more from you. Thank you for sharing it.

Kind Regards, Max


9 months ago Matthew Thomas said:

Deals with very difficult emotions in a clean and concise way. You also addressed some very difficult subject matter without being too graphic or divisive. Great work!