Sunset Ending

Sunset Ending

1 chapter / 435 words

Approximately 2 minutes to read

Comments(4)

426804_398915436834723_1597151422_n_large

almost 5 years ago A Girl That Writes said:

i love the details you put into this story :) you had a couple of quote worthy stuff in here. great job on this and i hope you continue with this soon! :)

James henry matthews the second's portrait

almost 5 years ago Lexi said:

Keep working on this! It's great! I love your imagery! Great job! Please in return for our swap, read "sweet revenge" and please heart if you think it is deserved. This is for a heart based contest so all hearts are accepted! Thanks for swapping! :)

17519_560612027291175_653430529_n

almost 5 years ago Cait Cher said:

I love the details. It's shows perfect imagery.

Tree

almost 5 years ago Ella Dolores said:

I really like this, Ruby! I love how you reveal her as a ghost slowly. It is very haunting. It'd be interesting for you to continue this.

Reviews(3)

Image

almost 5 years ago Paige Johnson said:

Dig the present-tense and "sugary white" bit. You mean "their" feet though. Your diction is cool and starting out stalking someone is exciting. XD Especially with beautiful description. As is not a word usually preceded by a comma. The alliteration is cool too. I think you left out a word before "above gradually". I'm assuming clouds/Heavens. You might mean "embrace", rather than brace. Dashes, not commas between "my" best friend. "true" love is cliche. Find a different adjective. Well the dude sounds like a jerk, a con artist. "Sky" blue is also a tad cliche. Doesn't sound like your MC has "moved on" if she's stalking them! Snatches me "back" is a bit redundant. You mean "an" embrace. What a dramatic end!

Signpost1

almost 5 years ago TrodPot M. Forest said:

This is a wonderful piece. I loved it. Your use of imagery is beautiful and the descriptions made the story visible. I could picture it in my mind as though it were a movie. It takes great skill to let readers know that she is a ghost without telling it out. I have few suggestions that could make this story still better.

As Amanda has pointed out, the part that says "....our, my, best friend" would sound better if you just used "our best friend" or rephrase it to something that sounds better. In the last paragraph- "...that it's more then the wall". I think it should be "more than". In the last sentence you have used the word essence twice. It somewhat hampers the flow of the sentence. Instead of "...I can feel my essence fading as my essence is whipped" you could use "I can feel my essence fading as it is whipped away". Again, these are just suggestions. You have a great story here. Good job.