over 3 years ago George Rolph said:

Hey Maya.

You asked if I am a John Donne fan but do not ask for who the bell tolls, it tolls, for thee -- not me. :0)

To be honest I have not read Donne for years. Since I was at school in fact. As a child my favourite poet, being a boy, was the evocative Robert Service.

Here is my present to you.

COMMUNITY. by John Donne

GOOD we must love, and must hate ill, For ill is ill, and good good still ; But there are things indifferent, Which wee may neither hate, nor love, But one, and then another prove, As we shall find our fancy bent.

If then at first wise Nature had Made women either good or bad, Then some wee might hate, and some choose ; But since she did them so create, That we may neither love, nor hate, Only this rests, all all may use.

If they were good it would be seen ; Good is as visible as green, And to all eyes itself betrays. If they were bad, they could not last ; Bad doth itself, and others waste ; So they deserve nor blame, nor praise.

But they are ours as fruits are ours ; He that but tastes, he that devours, And he that leaves all, doth as well ; Changed loves are but changed sorts of meat ; And when he hath the kernel eat, Who doth not fling away the shell?


over 3 years ago George Rolph said:

Talent. Real talent. Good to see and share. Thank you.

The doctor

about 4 years ago Daniel Alivan said:

This deserves eight hundred+ hearts! the nine hours it took me to read were worth it!!!!!!!!!!


about 4 years ago Vivi Aloha said:

Sorry it took so long for me to get to your swap! This was absolutely wonderful! I loved how it started it out with action and seemed to be a completely normal war scene and ends with a werewolf. That was unexpected! I made me want to know why he would go through so much trouble just for books and I want to find out what the Order is. Two things I found were when you said Montez had bright blue eyes - nearly white, it would make more sense to say pale blue eyes. Also, there were some sentences where you used commas, but a period would make it more dramatic. For example, " a leap, a mauling, a death blow." If you did, " a leap. A mauling. A death blow." the pauses make it even more dramatic. But that's just my opinion. Honestly, this was a great hook for what I'm sure is a awesome story and I can't wait to read more!



about 4 years ago Alessar said:

Chapter four:

Loved the beginning. No critiques there."

-"It's supposed [to] beat the iambs into your brain."

Wow- again, no critiques or suggestions at all. Loving it.

- "Once[,] I even whispered it into the fireplace in the commons room..."

- "The tan from the sea voyage... was aging." I'm confused about this sentence. Did he keep the stubble? If yes, change "and" to "but". If no, change "and" to "as did" or something like that.

- "Running on the rooftops was harder; once I almost fell[,] slipping..."

...And the rest of it is completely amazing. Wow. Just wow. That was incredible. Oh my god. I shouldn't have been so lax on getting to this review! That was really a brilliant chapter, Maya! Great job! :)

29:01:2015 rwstriped

about 4 years ago Alyssa Carlier said:

~Signed, Sealed and Delivered with Sarcasm from The Imaginarium~

I’m bored, so let’s get on with Chapter 14. There was a bit of not-particularly-interesting stuff about Essex and the Spanish king dying, and I sort of lost interest until we met Ann again. Although that bit could have been put at the end of the last chapter, because there wasn’t so much suspense there and I loved the ending line of this section. It also makes more sense to have the time skip at the beginning of a new chapter.

I like Ben, even though (as I’ve pointed out below) I forgot who he was. That’s not your fault, it’s just my poor memory. But I really enjoyed his wit despite the situation. That scene was more or less perfect, and I loved reading it. And the cliffhanger! I *have* to read Chapter 15 now.

And as always, we have the little nitpicks:

“William Cecil passed on August fourth” — To mean ‘die’, ‘pass’ typically requires an ‘on’ or an ‘away’, but the ‘on’ here is to specify the date, so add an ‘away’ before ‘on’.

“as the lashes of a dove (i.e. very angelically gentle).” — There is really no point in saying that the touch was angelically gentle when the simile indicates just that. (Random aside: I hate doves, so my reaction was, “Okaaaaay.”)

“I was wearing the cologne ... vampire scent underneath it.” —Rather clumsy. Suggest rewriting it to “I hoped that the cologne would disguise the strangeness of my vampire-scent even at this distance.”

“It is not to my tastes.” — No ‘s’ at the end of ‘tastes’.

“starry gaze” — Eh? Is he fainting or something?

“She removed her hands and book from mine and replaced her eyes to the page.” — ‘mine’ here almost seems like Donne’ hands *and* book, and the second bit made me visualize Ann popping her eyeballs into the book. Suggested rewrite: “She took her hands and book out of my grip and returned her gaze to the page.”

“A deep, cold uncertainty ... without an end.” — Sentence fragment.

“There was a scent on the air of hay and spice” — Put ‘of hay and spice’ before ‘on the air’.

Another random aside: funny, my emotional mindset is forever stuck at the age of twelve. When people ask me how old I am, I say, “Twelve. Wait, no. What’s the year? *proceeds to count*” Guess that means I’m a vampire. But I really liked your idea of time distorted for a vampire.

“‘Do you ever wonder ... said Tom. // On one of the balconies ... across the Thames.” — It would make more sense to swap the two paragraphs around.

Somehow, I’m not buying that Egerton is really tired. I bet you anything the ‘prisoner’ is someone Donne knows.

Aha! Wait, I forgot who Ben was. Curse my terrible memory. Never mind. Loved the ‘capital letters’ line. And also the fact that he wants Donne to be his lawyer.

“‘You, Jack Donne,’ he exclaimed.” — That’s an exclamation?

Gods. Egerton is *creepy*.

“I swallowed. (If I spoke ... frozen with terror.)” — The brackets seem unnecessary.

“a desire to be contrite, repentant.” No comma, add an ‘and’ after ‘contrite’.

“I pressed Ben’s desperation” — ‘Pushed’ would be a better verb. Is that Egerton playing with his mind?